1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

This post could also be called, “Why fear is a big jerk that we should kick out of our houses.”  Here’s the amplified version of 1 Jn. 4:18:

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection].

I have found a funny conundrum in talking about the things of God, particularly to Christian women.  I have found that when you talk straight about God’s righteousness and His standards, a few get offended, pretty sure that they know God from down the street, and He’s waaaaay more laid back than the Bible makes Him out to be.  But not most.  Many women want so much (with all their hearts) to please God, that when you start to talk about His righteousness, you can almost see the icy fingers gripping them…fear, with the thought of punishment. I am so familiar with those icy fingers myself.  “I was totally not super kind to the checkout lady.  Have I failed God?”  Add kiddos into the striving perfectionist’s mix and, whoa, things just get CRAAAZZZZZZZYYYYY!  It’s a wild rollercoaster of trying and failing and trying and failing, and no wonder we just weep at Hallmark commercials by the time we’re 45!!!  Basketcases!

Today was a basketcase kind of day.  For me, those are mostly internal, but, of course, my highly prophetic and sensitive five year old gives me the run down.  “Well, Momma, I don’t think you need to be so unhappy about that, because I was just trying to explain something and so you don’t need to be so angry!  I’m starting to cry because of your hard voice!”  This is after a scathing comment like, “Darling, Momma wants to you be quiet right now, okay?” But, of course, she’s right.  I was angry.  And she is crying.  Cannot wriggle out of it, totally called out, errghhhhhh…  And the fever pitch of failure just gets me wound tighter and tighter…

Until I remember that I serve God, who manifested Himself perfectly in Jesus Christ, who loved me to death when I was His enemy.  And He reminds me that He is the kind of Father who will give me as much as I want, rather than as much as I deserve.  “Mercy?  How much do you want, Suzanna?  Redemption for the last 54 failures with the kids?  Just the last 54?  How about we make that…beauty for ashes?  There, that’s about right!  Would you also like to exchange the spirit of heaviness you’re chilling with for the much more complimentary garment of praise, and the oil of joy for your mourning?  Good.  just ask.  You have not because you ask not!”

Wait a minute, Lord, where’s the punishment?

God is love.  This love revelation revolutionizes me and my parenting.  He IS love, He hates fear, and He has no desire to punish.  Me or anyone else.  Why does Jesus tell us to seek His righteousness?  Because we don’t already have it.  When we find out about God’s holiness and perfection, it is astonishing and blinding in its brightness.  Mere angels cause men to quiver on the floor, and God is far beyond that.  Our guilty hearts can only have one knee-jerk reaction:  He ought to punish me.  Whatever the pearl of wisdom and revelation God offers us (especially women), fear offers us this counterfeit to eating the truth and being full:  He ought to punish me. And He ought!  But our hearts are the ones that love the “oughts,” His heart LOVES MERCY.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  Is. 30:18a

So how does this apply to parenting?  The idea of punishment goes so deep in us, it’s an astonishing thought to try to understand the system without it.  How does Father God deal with my consistent, persistent failure and falling short?  This is what we must understand to parent our kids:  it’s training and correction, training and correction, training and correction.  No punishment.  He DOES NOT MIND CORRECTING  us!  All that punishment of which I am so worthy, all of it, paid by His perfect Son, the spotless lamb.

For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  Jas. 1:20.

I have noticed as a parent that anger and punishment produce fear-based striving and failure (or rebellion) in the kiddos, but not true breakthrough. So 1 Jn. 4 helps me to understand there is a completely different parenting system at work in Christ.  Remember yesterday’s foray into Proverbs?  One of the most marked things that marks the fool is his hatred of correction.  So it seems the wise man is not the one who does it all well, he’s the one who readily receives correction, again and again.  So…God’s not seeking perfection from me?  And He doesn’t want to punish me?  But these are the FOUNDATIONS of human parenting, apart from God!  Aren’t we trying to get them to do what’s right, after all?  No, God’s system for His kids is utterly OTHER, it is love-based, it is mercy-based, it assumes that the just requirements for punishment have been taken care of at the cross.

God’s parenting is always for good fruit.  Punishment, condemnation, and feeling like a failure are not good fruit.  These things are never the work of the Lord in our lives.  We can, as parents in Christ, replace the system of Setting the Standard, Pushing for Achievement, and Punishing Failure with a new system.  The mercy system:  Introducing Righteousness to a Sinner (Teaching), Training him or her in it (Demonstrating and Coaching), and Correcting resistance to it (Discipline).  So instead of being shocked and horrified that the little ones are programmed to steal from their siblings, yell for what they want, and demand the biggest, best, first, we understand (like the FAther) that this is how sinners are.  We expect sin from them, and consider it our job to train them in what is foreign to their self-oriented selves:  righteousness.

I make it sound so easy, I know.  But here’s what does get way, way simplified, especially in those early wet cement years.  What do I correct for (in other words, if everything’s training, at what point am I using discipline?).  For rebellion!  For that Proverb-ial foolishness:  the hatred of instruction, correction, and authority.  Here’s the deal, from God to us who are in Christ and from us as parents to our children:  “In my mercy, I will overlook your utter lack of righteousness and at total cost to myself, I will introduce you to it and patiently instruct you in it.  But in order for this to work, you must LISTEN AND OBEY.”  And so to save the young soul, and preserve the open ears so that righteousness can be taught, rebellion is THE zero tolerance issue, whether it be in the form of not listening or the form of not obeying.  This is what we discipline for, very, very firmly and unhesitatingly.  Here is one not to miss:

Proverbs 23:13
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

So our parenting, like God’s, is out of love, not to form fear of punishment, but resting on Jesus’ payment for us as believers.  Training and correction unto fruitfulness.  What good news…there is no fear in love!!!  Hallelujah!!!

Tomorrow:  the tool of faith