Warning:  I do not have time to do justice to the topic I will briefly introduce here.  Much grace, please.

An odd phenomenon keeps coming to my attention.  I thought I’d throw in my two cents, which is a very dangerous thing to do, given what I want to address.  Kind of like “dropping by” the lion’s den for a quick mane-brushing…  But I’m gonna try anyway, urged on by my husband.  I always take it seriously when he says, “Will you please blog about…?”

Because I’m so dang submissive.

That’s a joke, but not really.

See, I teach submission in marriage.  If you would like to know if I am a submitted wife, you can ask my husband.  I am confident that his honest answer would bless me.  I believe he would say, “Not perfectly, but extraordinarily.”  But you can ask him.

And that, my friends, is WHY I write/preach the gospel/teach women/counsel/pray authoritatively/prophecy and exhort publicly, etc.  Because I have a husband who exhorts me, who urges me, who encourages me, and who implores me to do so.  Because he is not cold-hearted, blind, chauvinistic, foolish, and just plain weird.  He didn’t marry a fireball to douse me with water.  He married a fireball:  being entrusted with my care, preservation, promotion, nourishment, beautification, elevation, and on, and on, by my FATHER, the LIVING GOD.  He has fear of the Lord over this.  As well He should.  I happen to be precious to God. The fire I carry in my heart is His Breath in my Spirit…oh, should a husband ever have fear of the Lord over this!  Or have you not read Eph 5?

Anyway, I keep running into this WEIRDNESS.  There are popular books about WEIRDNESS!  They take this  beautiful word “submission,” and turn it into something weird.  Something silent, stealthy, subservient, and, wouldn’t you know it…controlling. Or did you not know that when you take on a formula of behavior in order to achieve a result, it’s control?  Faith is submission is Christ-like is Spirit-led is powerful is done by a person who knows their worth.  Fear is insecure and asks for a sure-fire set of rules by which I can be assured that when I’ve done my part God will meet my demands.  Such an irony…control in sheep’s clothing.  They seem to offer Pearls of wisdom, but take a godly dial and turn it two degrees toward religious control and thus offer something constraining and weird.  (Sorry to use that word again, but I hope it sets somebody free.  This stuff is WEIRD.)

So, as I said, I can’t delve into the whole shebang here.  So for time purposes, I’m going to assume that “submitting to your husband” is Marriage 101 (entry level material).  That is not to diminish those who are not sure about this concept, struggle with it, or need help in this area.  I still need help in this area, I used to MASSIVELY “struggle with it,” and I actually WAS sure about this concept.  Sure that I hated it.  So anyway, I needed a good bit of time in Marriage 101, so I don’t call it that to diminish anyone.  At first I hated that class, but came to love it through the hard work of extraordinary instructors, and now I love to teach it because I found the secrets of trust, worth, and love in it.

So…I’m gonna skip to Marriage 201, assuming that you, the reader, have already agreed that yes, indeed, God’s design is for wives to be submitted to their husbands. And of course, you’ve taken the Pre-Req…which is that God’s design is that a man LOVE His wife as Christ loves the Church.  So back to the Pearls, allow me to use an analogy:

When a corporation is failing, do the shareholders replace the secretarial staff?  “That’s it!  These typo-ed memos and tardy faxes are KILLING our profit margins!!!”   No!  They replace the CEO.  Even the world knows that problems start with leadership, and the problems of the subordinates are exactly what good leadership exists to address.  So why these books that suggest that limiting a woman’s role to its most menial definition and then emphasizing relentless diligence and laboriousness to it will solve a marriage’s problems?  It’s like a book suggesting if you become a better and better secretary or maybe just a heck of ajanitor, the corporation will not fail!  It mostly misses the real problem (the home’s leadership) to address much less significant ones, like how great dinner is.  If you tell me you buy into God’s design, then you won’t fall for the trick, the trick being that “I believe the husband is the head of the home which is why I believe I can control everything in the home by being a better wife in the most menial and insignificant terms.”  WEIRD.

I bought into submission with joy when (I got free of LOADS of fear and…) I realized that God’s design meant that my husband was going to be called into account for every aspect of our home, including my joy level, my freedom, my hope, my peace, my contentment, and all that of our children, as well.  And I realized that was real.  And I thought about Him standing before the throne, answering for how he treated me (remember how I mentioned how precious I am to God).  And because I LOVE my husband and ADORE him and even though I get angry with him I would never, ever want him to fail in any way, especially before the throne of God…and I determined that I would make it as easy as possible for him to obey the Lord to lead our home in love at all times.

There is no pretending in this picture.  Because there is no pretending before the throne of God.  At the throne of God, every man who has blindly accepted the service of his wife without carefully attending to her,  will abruptly be brought into truth.  His chauvinism will shatter on the ground as God asks, “Why did you not consider how I love your wife?”  I would do whatever I can that this would not be my husband’s portion!

Do you see how a subservient, silent, menial role simply does not fit into God’s reality?  I serve and submit out of love, out of fear of God, and out an earnest desire that I could contribute to my husband standing before God’s throne and hearing, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” even in his loving leadership of me!  When there is failure, I don’t forgive mistreatment because it’s God’s design, I forgive it because it’s NOT God’s design!  Are you catching my drift?

There’s so much more to say, and to keep myself from just rambling on forever, I will make one more point, because it’s where I see so much weirdness.  Let’s look at 1 Pet 3:1-6, which urges a woman to win her husband over by her conduct, not her words.  What kind of husband?  Let’s look at the verse:  “…they [who] do not obey the Word…”  Disobedient ones!  What kind of husband can’t hear his wife, can’t be won by her faithful, respectful words?  DISOBEDIENT ONES!  Rebellious ones!  The funny thing is that women I see take this on as a “rule,” act as if they have a good marriage.  But the modern equivalent term for the Biblical description of this marriage is DYSFUNCTIONAL.  If you need to win your husband with silent submission, God bless you, sister.  I’ve been there, and I turn there, whenever there’s a tension NOT OVER OPINIONS BUT OVER OBEDIENCE TO GOD AND I PERCEIVE MY HUSBAND’S IN REBELLION. OJ has had to release me to God for correction, too, at times when I wouldn’t listen to him.

But don’t tell me that’s God’s design.  Because the verse is about a marriage that’s out of His design.  If you can’t speak truth and win your husband to truth, he’s rebellious to God.  Now, we need a power plan.  Bingo!  1 Peter 3!!!  But be honest about it.  I’ll hold your hand, pray for him earnestly with you, and help you implement your POWERFUL 1 Peter 3 plan to WIN your husband through FAITH and not terror because he (your husband) is in TROUBLE and doesn’t know that the judgment of God is coming.  And if he’s really blind, it will be on him for decades without him realizing why.  So out of love for him, we’d better use our 1 Peter 3 power plan.  And because it’s Scripture, I’ll promise you we’ll see fruit, and soon.

But don’t tell me you have a good marriage.  And don’t write a book as if this is how it’s supposed to be.

Now, if you’re shocked and a little offended and saying, “Well, I never!  My husband certainly isn’t REBELLIOUS to God!”  Then I’ll say, “OH PHEW…well, speak up, woman!”  Look at this passage…it’s long but fascinating…

¹⁵ Then they came and besieged him in Abel of Beth Maachah; and they cast up a siege mound against the city, and it stood by the rampart. And all the people who were with Joab battered the wall to throw it down.
¹⁶ Then a wise woman cried out from the city, “Hear, hear! Please say to Joab, ‘Come nearby, that I may speak with you.’” ¹⁷ When he had come near to her, the woman said, “Are you Joab?”
He answered, “I am.”
Then she said to him, “Hear the words of your maidservant.”
And he answered, “I am listening.”
¹⁸ So she spoke, saying, “They used to talk in former times, saying, ‘They shall surely seek guidance at Abel,’ and so they would end disputes. ¹⁹ I am among the peaceable and faithful in Israel. You seek to destroy a city and a mother in Israel. Why would you swallow up the inheritance of the LORD?”
²⁰ And Joab answered and said, “Far be it, far be it from me, that I should swallow up or destroy! ²¹ That is not so. But a man from the mountains of Ephraim, Sheba the son of Bichri by name, has raised his hand against the king, against David. Deliver him only, and I will depart from the city.”
So the woman said to Joab, “Watch, his head will be thrown to you over the wall.” ²² Then the woman in her wisdom went to all the people. And they cut off the head of Sheba the son of Bichri, and threw it out to Joab. Then he blew a trumpet, and they withdrew from the city, every man to his tent. So Joab returned to the king at Jerusalem.  2 Samuel 20

Come on, now!!  Wouldn’t you like to go down in Scriptural history as a WISE WOMAN???  If you equate that with silence, you have vastly misunderstood the heart of God.  OK, I could comment on this passage for ages…but I’ll contain myself to one point.  If your husband loves the Lord, if his heart is tender, if he cares for you, even if hard times have hardened that somewhat…sister, do you not see that your silence is more likely out of hopelessness, anger, and control than out of love and true submission?

Unless he is one out of 10,000,000, his father did not adequately prepare him to intricately understand a woman’s heart.  He does not know the way he is besieging and besetting and preparing to destroy a “mother in ________ (insert your town here).”  I’m talking about issues of the heart here.  He probably doesn’t know how worthless you feel when he _______ , or how much your heart aches for (fellowship, a break, a garden, his spiritual leadership in the home, his attention, etc.), or how when he does _________ it tears down the kids, or how it’s WRONG that he (has made an idol out of ministry or work and is never home, or watches filthy media, or speaks badly about others, or considers himself a failure, etc.).  You might even have to cry out, “Hear me, hear me, hear me, please!” a couple of times.  That would be normal.  The wise woman in the passage above is crying out, “Hear me!” but she’s not disrespectful or unsubmitted.  She calls herself Joab’s servant.  You know why?  Because she DID serve him.  By being honest to call sin sin, and alert him to the consequences of his actions.  Matthew 18 does not suddenly cease to function in the context of marriage!  Obviously, nothing is spoken out of selfishness or pride, but because he will be called to account for those things, because you and your family is the Lord’s inheritance.

Wisdom would remember that you partnered together to build up the city (home), not to tear it down, and he may not see what he’s doing…just like YOU so often don’t see what YOU’RE doing to tear it down.  This street OF COURSE goes both ways.

So don’t read a misguided book about submission and shut down your marriage, if indeed you partnered together to pursue the Living God!  If you partnered for some other purpose, then I would have a different conversation with you…but if your husband loves the Lord, he needs to hear your voice.  If you need to use a little 1 Peter 3 to WIN his ear, amen.  But WIN it and then speak into it so that you can throw the head of the infiltrator (the ENEMY) right out of your midst.

Godly women are warriors.  Godly women are wise.  Godly women love to follow Godly leadership, but Godly women do not pretend.  Godly women see consequences coming long before they arrive.  Godly women know when it’s time to shout and they do so, for the salvation and well-being of their husbands, themselves, and their city (home, family, children), the Lord’s inheritance.