Strong Coffee, Weak Mama
Give or take, we’ve got about 3 more weeks ’til we meet Baby McCuatro. Often when I see people, they good-naturedly ask, “How are you feeling?” If they have ever had a baby, I sometimes take the opportunity to be honest. ”I bet you kno-ow! Take a wild gue-ess!” It’s the most natural question in the world to ask someone who you know to be a normal human being and you one day find swollen, breathless, and looking like she is defying the laws of physics to remain upright. It’s the same thing I ask a pregnant woman.
The glory is just NOT in how I’m feeling. But it’s still there.
The Lord gave me a couple simple things to do during the end of this pregnancy. Writing these posts was one of them. I think that’s just awesome. While I was writing one of the earlier posts, about “seeing” your little ones, Samuel was clambering around me, seeking attention. He did a lot of cute things, and we had about a hundred interactions where I suggested FASCINATING toys and coloring books (from my chair) and tried engage his interest in something besides me so I could finish my post…no go. It took about 20 minutes before he employed the inevitable, tried-and-true tactic of putting on the naughty. I put down the laptop and got up (with great difficulty).
“I know, I know, I know, Bubs. I know why you’re being naughty. Come ‘ere.” Inside, I was praying he wouldn’t do anything SO bad, I’d have to discipline him before I could snuggle him back to happy with the attention he was needing. I do that a lot these days. I’d probably estimate that I’m doing about 40% of the disciplining I would normally do.
As a substitute, I am praying this prayer a lot more. It goes like this: “Lord, HAVE MERCY…” Other variations include: ”PLEASE, Jesus, let him sleep…” and “PLEASE let them be quiet…” Having had newborns before, I can predict that this season of deep intercession is just beginning, not ending.
So, as I write looking at my swollen piggies (feet) on my ottoman, I get a kick out of the whole thing. Because how obnoxious would it be to have it all together? To write from perfection? To be instructing from the front, instead of sharing from a semi-prone, half-dazed position on the couch? Mamas don’t relate to perfection. I don’t believe in perfection. I believe in Jesus.
So on that note, before I share point number 3, I have a very brief thing to communicate. It didn’t work (will not work) for me (or anybody) to merely change my behavior. TRYING to be a great mom is totally lame. TRYING to think significant thoughts, BE better, up the awesome-ness quotient, and follow the latest book’s rules doesn’t cut the mustard. Recipe for failure.
As with anything eternal, what I needed (and continually need) was a new heart. I like this NLT translation of Ezek. 36:26: ”And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” Other translations render it “the heart of flesh for the heart of stone.” Doesn’t that speak to you, Mama? I don’t need new methods. I need Jesus Christ, His salvation, and His promises to be true. (They are.) I need (and my children need from me) a tender, responsive heart…like His.
Last time, we said, “Good parenting principles cannot produce life-filled, significant children from exhausted, insignificant mothers.” We could put it this way, as well: there’s not enough great insight in the world to produce whole children if Mama has a stony heart, whether the hardness be from her fear, sorrow, self-hatred, pride, whatever. Can’t get water from a rock. But Jesus! Jesus gives us a tender, responsive heart for our stony, stubborn one.
I’ve cried out for wisdom in parenting, and I am crying out for much more. But my own weakness is the very foundation of that wisdom. If I think I can do it without Jesus, I’m a fool. Anyone filled with pride and control hates failure because they think there should have been some way to get it right the first time, follow Dobson’s latest book perfectly, and be super mom in every possible way. This only leaves two potential directions to go. If I believe myself to have “succeeded” in doing it right and having it all together, I will be filled with pride and set up for a really big fall and a lot of blindness to my children’s heart needs. In that place I have only legal standards and “do it like me” lists to minister to other women. The other option is self hatred. If I hate myself and hate my life and hate my job every time I fail, I’m done for. Undone by pride, uncomfortable with my need, still stony.
But if He loves me like He says He loves me, if His promises are true, if He really does dwell with the lowly, provide for the needy, and meet the poor in Spirit…then I can be a great mom. Who repents regularly, and occasionally dozes through discipline-worthy behavior with a semi-conscious prayer… ”PLEASE, Jesus, make him stop hitting his brother…” :)
Here’s #3: Protective Oversight, looking attentively to the whole child, especially what the child herself cannot see.
- “I am seeking your best, not to be ‘off the hook’.” There are things in parenting that are downright agonizing. Constant whining, quarreling, begging, or rebellion leave a parent EXHAUSTED. Because the world doesn’t know that there is a solution for these things, they constantly recommend me-time. They don’t know that there can be peace in the home. Peace in the home, however, comes at a hefty price. Throughout the child’s development, there will be cycles of establishment followed by maintenance. If you don’t do the hard work of establishment, you won’t ever get to maintenance (peace). (EG, So many parents simply don’t know what the battle will be to establish real heart-obedience in the toddler years, and so they live in an ungodly “normal” that is increasingly off track for the rest of the child’s development. If you talk about peace, they assume you have better genes or luck. They are in constant tension with their child. In this difficult spot, Mom’s heart is just barely staying alive, and seeking every possible chance for a break.) How to get to breakthrough is not what I’m addressing in this post, but for now, the point is that when you see your child’s significance, your heart INSISTS on getting to the breakthrough, no matter how costly or how long it takes. Keeping everybody alive, and getting away for breaks is not enough. Minimizing time with the child through childcare or school or minimizing the number of children because it is too difficult are not solutions. Unbelief and hopelessness dwell with insignificance. Significance presses for victory.
- “I’m watching with the Lord’s eyes.” When I look at my child, I want to see what the Lord sees. I want to notice that the compliant one is trapped in sorrow, and address her needs with the same determination as I do the loud one that tends toward defiance. Significance says, “The Lord does not call my child melancholy or a loner! I will not be complacent because she’s quiet…I’m not satisfied until I see this little one be who God made her to be!” In other words, my goals don’t center on a certain comfort level for myself and the family, but on WHO God says my children are to be, and how to DEVELOP them according to His individual blueprints.
- “I am in charge, and set limits long before you understand them.” It is almost impossible for a Mom who is trapped in insignificance to walk in strong authority with her children, especially if they display any strength of will. If she does not come out of insignificance, either the children will rule her, or she’ll resort to control and manipulation to restrain them. Whether it works or not in the short term, that road will end in destruction. Mom has to know who she is and walk in her God-given authority as leader, even if by nature, she has a milder personality than they. Limits can’t be set out of negotiation, but out of vision.
- See with spiritual eyes, not natural ones. See what comes against the child, not merely how they react to it. This is so important. If we operate in natural wisdom, we will miss it! We must be able to 1) understand our children’s hearts (”see” them, as we’ve been saying throughout the posts), and 2) understand the spiritual dynamics that affect them. (EG, 3 year old suddenly won’t stay in her bed but repeatedly comes out crying. Mom is stressed out by finances and fearful that Dad is going to lose his job. She addresses 3 yr old’s “disobedience” with a crack down, not discerning the open door to a spirit of fear in the home. After repeated discipline, child finally stays in bed. After a few similar situations, child begins displaying anger and rebellion.)
God bless you as you pursue His goals, vision, and significance in your lives and your children’s!
P.S. If any of this leaves you frustrated as to the “how,” especially how you would practically exchange the “stony” areas of your heart for His tender, responsive one, I encourage you to listen to the Women’s Freedom Class under the teaching tab at the top of the page. It is not centered on parenting, but practical, simple, transformational change through the Cross of Jesus.
April 12th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
My goodness! I was directed here by Emery from Moms Are for Everyone, and I’m so glad I followed her links to your three posts!
I am bowled over by how your writing spoke right into my heart, a heart that has been yearning for someone to address these issues. You write with such honesty and love, thank you for sharing these thoughts. I’m passing these links to about 12 friends who need to read them right now too!
Keep writing please, I’ll be reading for sure!
April 16th, 2011 at 5:48 am
I am blown away. The thought often occurs to me of how I’m not doing ‘enough’ for my family, that I’m not around ‘enough’, or get to spend ‘enough’ ‘quality’ time. When my husband senses my frustrations, often his response is, “Go take some time to yourself, I’ll watch the kids”. THAT is not frustration! My KIDS are not frustration! I WANT more time, quality, down to earth, in their face, TIME with my kids. I needed to read these blogs, so earnestly needed to read them. Thank you. For allowing me to ‘Let go’ and know that no matter what, as long as we follow in the Lord’s footsteps and raise our children in the Lord’s grace, that we are doing what we are meant to do, mistakes made and all. My daughters love me, I do know these, down to my core. So enough with the bad thoughts of how I am not ‘enough’ for my family. I AM. With the Lord’s help everyday, I AM enough…thank you so much.