What are they worth?
To unpack the destruction of women and children, the key concept is this: Insignificance. It’s a word I use a lot, but find difficult to really convey. It’s a tidy little word for an unbelievably cruel form of destruction. Let me try to fill in the picture.
It has become clear to me that most of the atrocities in the world don’t file through an open door of hatred, malice, and rage. The worst of the widespread worsts come through a much less noticeable and offensive door. Insignificance. It’s what is in place when a person cannot see another person as having worth, dignity, value. It’s our incredible ability to look at another person and see…nothing.
Think of these difficult things from the past and present. How does a Southern gentleman go to church on Sunday and sleep at night planning to sell a mother down the river away from her babies? How does an English lord ponder the quality of his sherry while his stewards evict starving Irish families off their tiny plots of land? How do Brahmins step without distress over diseased untouchables dying slowly in their path? How does your cordial neighbor who’d happily grab your mail while you’re on vacation carry a strong conviction that a woman should be allowed to tear her child limb from limb in her womb, if she chooses?
This is the human condition. Sure, there’s rage, there’s hatred, there’s anger. Some slave owners, Nazis, Anglo-Irish aristocracy, pro-choice activists had or have rage and hatred for their victims. But not most. Mostly, there’s just numb, blind indifference in a fog of busy self-focus. This is the sinful human heart…all of us. When we look at certain kinds of people, we don’t see anything. Make sense?
Insignificance is like a drab tablecloth that you don’t notice, and so never wonder what is underneath. God NEVER, EVER, EVER does this. Because He is LOVE, and love sees. It’s actually, contrary to popular thought, the one thing that is NOT blind. This is ALMOST beyond our comprehension.
I love this verse: The Lord then answered him and said, “Hypocrite! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or donkey from the stall, and lead it away to water it? So ought not this woman, being a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has bound—think of it—for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath?” And when He said these things, all His adversaries were put to shame; and all the multitude rejoiced for all the glorious things that were done by Him. Luke 13:15-17
THINK OF IT! The Lord Jesus has to shake people awake from blind slumber. THINK OF IT! She’s a person. A real person. Think of her suffering. Is she not worth more than an animal? Does she not matter? Can you not see her at all? The pharisees were debating what was right. Jesus was appalled by their blindness. The woman was a nothing to them, worth less consideration than a valuable animal.
THIS is what women are fighting against, for centuries and generations and decades, all the way back to the curse, when we were told that our desire would be for our husband (a man), but that he would be consumed, desperate to overcome futility and uselessness in his toil. She would be looking at him, and he would be looking at his hands. Struggle, lack, and disappointment. Enter: the tablecloth.
I don’t know exactly what it was like for Eve before that, to have her husband’s complete delight, attention, to be fully satisfying, to be perfectly dignified, queened, beautiful, and fruitful. To be completely significant. But I imagine it was a little like the situation for a growing baby in the womb, enveloped in ceaseless embrace and total provision. Just about perfect. (Oh, and probably a lot like how it feels to encounter Jesus.)
Side note: the quickest way for a woman to feel like she’s out from under the tablecloth is through her physical appearance. Instant attention and recognition, the ability to pull a man’s eyes away from himself. This is why you find new mommies dieting, exercising and obsessing about their post-baby figure. This insanity does not come from post-partum hormones. It comes from desperate fear of going under the tablecloth, being worthless, becoming a nothing.
There are a million ways women fight the tablecloth of insignificance. Through usefulness, status, her work, education, ministry, philanthropy, birthing more children than her neighbor with less drugs, the whole vast array. But when men leave women under the tablecloth, and women are busy fighting their way out, guess who gets left under there completely?
Children.
This is why you find women pumping breast milk in the office bathroom while her eight week old takes a bottle from a stranger. This is why you find stay at home moms antsy, depressed, desperate for something to give their days meaning, actually seeking out busyness and preoccupation. This is why our grandmas could take perfect care of the furniture, but tear ruthlessly into their daughters with criticism and control. This is why the birthrate for Westerners is around 1.2-1.7, not even enough to replace the parents’ generation.
Children: we just can’t see them.
Can’t perceive their worth. Even if we would say they are our highest priority (just like most men would say their wife is the most important person in their world), we just don’t feel what they feel, aren’t engaged by their personhood, aren’t emotionally impacted or able to intuit their needs.
I’ve got to stop, b/c I’m trying to fit a book into a blog post. There’s so much more to say. I know I said I would offer something practical, though, so here’s a little bit of what the Lord’s been showing us as we’ve sought how to walk out of insignificance as mothers and as women. We asked for some practical ways that a mother in Christ flies in the face of all this destruction and communicates significance to her children, rather than insignificance. Here is the first of five:
- Time with touch
- Unhurried time, b/c you ARE my agenda. Even for moms who stay at home with their kids, it is so easy to find that the agenda has ceased to be the development and nurturing of the children. It becomes practical, or distraction driven, or anything but focused on what they really need. ( E.G. a child needs breakthrough out of rebellion, but the plan for the week is filled with fun activities. What the child needs is to stay home and deal with the heart issues with discipline and intentionality, but instead, mom heads out and wrestles screaming child at tumbling, music, and the park. Mom is exhausted and resentful. Her agenda was in the way of seeing what was really needed.)
- Physical acceptance, laying down of the rights to my body. Children needs TONS of touch, and having recently come from mom’s body, kind of perceive it as theirs. :) Mom is not a jungle gym by any means, but it is crucial to lay down the right to “personal space,” as the security that comes from physical closeness is irreplaceable. No amount of college savings, hallmark cards, or a car at sixteen can make up for what is built in a child in the early years when mom is accessible for touch and physical comfort.
- Enjoyment of every aspect of the child, including their appearance. When a child delights a parent, insignificance can’t get a foothold! Letting delight cover every aspect of relating to your child is RIGHT and GOOD. Celebrate their beauty! Laugh at their jokes! Highlight their talents! Expect favor and goodness for them wherever they go. They’re the Lord’s children! Watch for little ways that fear and insignificance would steal from the celebration of your children. The need to “tone it down” is not from God, and is useless in trying to teach humility or righteousness.
- “We are at peace.” Mom= home and home = safety, peace… This is what the world will not acknowledge. In the early years, mom is home. Dad is hugely important, of course, but mom is where the kids live, if you will. They don’t care about what make the car is, if they have a spacious room, or about the pottery barn kids catalogue. They need peace in the home, and where mom is is home. Mom’s peace is the investment point, the urgent need of the hour, and represents the security of the children. If Mom lives without peace, don’t waste time on non-essentials, and don’t bypass it. Seek the Lord to find out why. (E.G. if mom lives busy and exhausted, Dad doesn’t just need to get her a pedicure, they need to seek the Lord and make changes, even if they’re major.)
March 31st, 2011 at 2:44 am
AHHH! I love that you brought up the Pottery Barn Kids catalog because one just came in the mail yesterday (unsolicited, mind you) and I devoured it while foisting off the girls at the park (yes, I really thought I could have some “reading time” while they play…ha). Came home feeling utterly useless in all homemaking skills and bent on setting it right. Without ever once asking, “Hmmmm….have I just believed a lie? Are the lack of curtains in the girls’ room really what is making me sad? Will that $800 hardwood glider and ottoman set in the nursery really help me nurse any better? Is my lack of peace actually related to these “flaws” in my home?”
Hahaha….I have to laugh a freeing and joyful laugh. Jesus is so good! The peace that He gives is not as the world gives! All mine for the taking and keeping. thank you, God!
Thanks for writing this, Suz. As always it was brilliant, timely, much-needed, much-relieving, and inspiring.
March 31st, 2011 at 3:35 am
Can’t wait to read your book someday, Suz! What a breath of fresh air, a ray of shining truth in our dark culture. Love you, friend
March 31st, 2011 at 4:08 pm
Some excellent insights Suzanna. Thanks. I like your writing style too. Long time no talk to.
March 31st, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Thank you for this gift. I have forwarded it to my husband. It is something that needs to be heard and prayed about together.
In HIS name.
April 1st, 2011 at 12:17 am
Your writings have become my devotion, my inspiration, my truth for the day. You write with such conviction and love. Thank you for taking the time to write these words. I loved the practical ideas. I loved the reminder to celebrate every aspect of our children. My sin can often have me harping on the things I want to see improvement on. I need to be a better mom in this area. You are a beautiful mother, my sweet Suz. xo Allie
April 2nd, 2011 at 12:56 pm
You have wisdom beyond your years. Bless the Lord for the gift! Thank you for taking the time to write of what we all need reminding. Some insignificance’s sisters: discouragement, depression, and ultimately, despair. We not only have significance, but hope in our God. Hard to remember if we are wrapped in things and buzzing with activities!
April 2nd, 2011 at 11:10 pm
While I admire your recognition of the value of children (they ARE valuable), I disagree with the implication (and I DO think you imply it) that it is through children that women have significance.
As a single, childless woman, I am tired of feeling like I have no place in the church, in the body of christ, apart from children. Bible study groups, friendships, church programs, christian writings, so much of the church is contingent on the idea of the family. What about those of us who have none? We either live feeling as if there is no place for us in the church, or like we are subservient to those churchgoers who have families. We are encouraged to help raise OTHER people’s children, but since this is one step removed from having our own, and still retains the idea that it is only through children that we can contribute to the church, it tells us we are second-class citizens in the kingdom of God. We listen as people unthinkingly throw out terms like “Children are a gift of God,” and “I feel so blessed to have children,” as if children are God’s GREATEST form of blessing, while meanwhile we have none and may never have. Does this mean, therefore, that God is not only withholding a blessing, but his GREATEST one? What are we saying? You have no idea how much hurt the church causes to the unmarried and the childless by OVER-emphasizing something of which we may never be able to take part. The church is about families (not necessarily so in the Bible but in practice), and I have none. Most (conservative) Christians idea of a fulfilled life is to have a spouse and children, and I have none. Therefore, I can never be fulfilled to the extent you can? I feel expendable to your idea of Christianity.
April 3rd, 2011 at 2:10 am
Dear Anon,
I love this comment. Thank you for sending such an honest question right from the center of a private pain. I have been contemplating this very thing deeply for a long time. If you’ll bear with me, I WILL address this, hopefully in this series. I can’t guarantee you’ll buy what I’m selling, but I love that you’re calling for some Bible, and that’s where I think we’ll meet eye to eye. God bless you RICHLY, RICHLY, RICHLY. In the meantime, as you watch women in the church struggle through this, I offer this promise: that seeing your mothering sisters truly rise up in Significance will not cost you any of yours. It is eternally established. Looking forward to giving a much fuller answer soon!
Suzanna
April 4th, 2011 at 1:20 am
Suzanna,
Thank you for your reply, and I am relieved to know that you’ve been thinking about this issue. Just to clarify, I am not suggesting that motherhood is not significant or that mothers should not feel themselves significant. I’m not even suggesting that I’m worried their significance will cost me my own.
I AM suggesting that it is risky and imprudent for us to argue that women’s significance is ONLY or BEST derived through motherhood. I am suggesting that the church’s focus in this regard currently implies to me as a single, childless woman that I am NOT significant unless or until I have a child. If someone actually succeeds in convincing me of this to the point I buy into it 100%, I would have to either (A) live every miniscule moment of my life feeling utterly worthless as a woman and a Christian, which frankly is already how I’ve been made to feel, (B) leave the church because it feels irrelevant and exclusive, and I’ve come close to doing so, (C) go get impregnated immediately (regardless of it being contrary to God’s law outside of marriage), or (D) decide my life is pointless and end it (also against God’s law).
I respect the work you are doing to increase women’s feelings of significance (I do!); I only wish that the unmarried and the childless had as many passionate advocates for their worth in the church as the married and child-bearing do, and that we as Christians did not form friendships on the basis of similar life circumstance (other newlyweds, other mothers of preschoolers, etc.), thus leaving the few church-going childless women in their thirties and forties feeling utterly isolated and alone. If I could ask “mothers” in the church one question, it would be this: How many unmarried, childless women that you’re not related to do you strive to have deep, lasting relationships with? If every family turns inward, only ever prioritizing their own spouses and children, who’s left out? Surely God must be bigger than the family unit, our relationship with him far bigger and more encompassing? I can only hope: Lk 14:26; 1 Cor 7:25-35; Eph 2:12-20; 2 Cor 10:15b-16a; Ps 82:3-4; Is 61:1; Jer 22:16; Mt 25:35-40; Gal 3:26-29; Acts 10:34-35.
I appreciated your gracious response to my earlier comment. I value the family–I just wish we defined it more broadly.
All the best,
Anon
April 9th, 2011 at 5:58 am
Hi Anon,
I couldn’t help but read your conversation with Suz about women’s significance, and I’m sorry that you feel left out of the church. This truly saddens me. I am a mother of 3 boys, and we currently go to a church called Mars Hill. I feel like Mars Hill does a better job of making singles feel included than some churches. That being said, I have several single lady friends who feel a lot like you. My one friend Heather would love to be married and have kids, but no man is pursuing her and it’s very frustrating. Both my sister and my sister-in-law also struggle with this. I think it is easier and more comfortable for married moms to hang out with other married moms, but like you say it can be very alienating for those who are not in the same boat. Your responses are a reminder to me to continue pursuing friendships with single women and get past the awkwardness of feeling like our lives are on totally different pages. I would encourage you to find your identity in Jesus (I’m sure you’ve already heard it a million times!), to not give up on the church and maybe start a weekly singles group there if one doesn’t exist already, and to see yourself as someone of GREAT value in the eyes of your Maker! He loves you so much, and has an amazing plan for your life if you’ll yield your heart to Him. Praying for you and wishing you all the best…
Katie
April 12th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Wonderful post. Bravo!
April 13th, 2011 at 7:02 am
Well, I came to this blog through Moms Are For Everyone and she told us to click on the link and READ THIS. So, I did! I grew up Catholic and just became Lutheran(!) and am definetely not a conservative Christian — which you may not be either, but that is my sense from reading the blog so I’m just identifying myself right away as a ‘lefty liberal’ for full disclosure! That being said, I related and really appreciated your words. You really articulated such a huge concept so brilliantly. I’ve often thought about how the people we think are so terrible and evil (like slave holders or Nazis) are also people who have families, have mothers, have children in their lives that they love and are loved by. We don’t want to admit that because it somehow diminishes the evil and inhumanity they create and inflict on others. God is LOVE. And it’s so interesting that we have to almost remind ourselves at times to love our own family members because we allow ourselves to get distracted by things that truly are insignificant instead of loving one another. Anyway, thanks for your post — it’s the perfect ending to my day!