“Judah is a lion’s whelp.” –Jacob, Jewish father
We can relate. Jacob had 11 other sons to take care of, which is something for us to keep in mind in our particularly tired moments. Judah David is like several tons of explosive force packed into a 35 lb. body. He’s the only person I know with a barrel chest and chubby cheeks. He was born ripped and ready to go. The adventure does not stop from the moment he wakes up and yells, “Daddy, get me BREAKFAST!!!” Don’t think we haven’t worked with him on the bossiness factor, we have. And he’s doing great at getting it. But giving orders comes as naturally to this guy as breathing. If we had his DNA analyzed, I think it would come back X-Y-B-O-S-S. We have conversations about “Who’s in charge?” at least four times a day. For years now.
It’s a trip to spend the day with someone who cannot verbalize even the smallest detail without speaking emphatically and throwing in a few extra decibals, but also needs tons of hugs and kisses. “Mama, when I’m BIG I’m gonna go to PRESCHOOL and be with ARIEL???” Yes, and we might have to give the other kids some earplugs.
Parenting him has been more educational than I could have imagined. We’re committed to keeping his force intact, while equipping him to submit to authority as forcefully as he can lead others. I understand many dynamics we’ve come across in prayer for people so much better. For instance, for many young men we have prayed for, rejection from dad and manipulation from mom were major forces for distorting the design God had for them. I have more understanding for how that happens. Trying to shape his force is intensely challenging. (As I write this, Judah has brought over a little lawn chair and set it up on the couch to watch the truck video I have playing on the computer screen. “No, Judah, that is not safe.” He has tried to play drums on my head. “No, Judah, we don’t drum on Mama’s head.” Followed by kisses on my head. He tried to watch the movie a little longer, then experimented with barrelling his head into my side to see if he is strong enough to push me to the side. “Hey, Judah, let’s pause the movie. I need you to push those big wooden chairs across the room. Thanks, Buddy!!”) It requires me being more forceful than him, without any loss of tenderness. Not more forceful in volume or selfishness, but in certainty and authority. It doesn’t come naturally to me, and hugely stretches me.
Note: From the time Samuel came home from the hospital, Judah has called him “BAMuel.” Why? Probably for the same reason he calls himself “BEEF.” You can say it loud and strong.
And the truth is, while I get stretched to walk in my authority, it’s ultimately simply not enough for this young man. Shaping him requires the big guns…he needs DAD. He needs Dad to be intensely interested in him, insistent on his obedience, devoted to his cause, and consistently disciplining without any anger. Last night, we had a freedom class in our house with some amazing people of God. OJ asked the question of the men in class, “Which of you had someone, a father or discipler, who said to you, ‘I see who you are, the unique greatness of your design, and I am going to walk alongside of you and fight everything that would block it, to make sure that you walk into it fully?’” I don’t think we’ve ever asked that and received an a confidently affirmative answer. Most parents (great parents!) are just trying to keep their little warriors from burning things down, so the parenting emphasizes reigning in, reigning in, reigning in, rather than harnessing and empowering. Even though many men have had wonderful Dads, this fullness requires such wholeness from Dad, it is rare on the earth. It’s something that has to be received first, in order to be given. So the lack of it is a self-perpetuating cycle. But this is what God will restore to those who are hungry for it. Mal 4
Before Judah was born, the Lord told us that he would be extremely forceful, drawn to power, and very driven. I remember at seven months telling our pastor, “He seems so mild. Maybe we heard wrongly.” They wisely said to wait a few more months because you often don’t see the personality until age one or two. And sure enough…wow. We also heard that he would have a hero’s heart and want to follow his daddy everywhere. Now, I know that’s true of all boys to some extent, but I have never seen anything like this little guy for needing his Daddy. In the night, I can’t comfort him. Since he was a small baby, it has had to be Daddy. He doesn’t speak about “Daddy,” but about “MY Daddy.” “Where’s MY Daddy?”
For me, this has brought single parenting into a whole new light. (Update: In the last paragraph, I told Judah not to jump in the crib while Samuel is laying in it, not to to “pat” Samuel’s head that hard, and not to throw the rubber blocks at him, as 8 month olds cannot catch.) What would I do with Judah without DAD? What would Judah do without DAD? The thought instantly clarifies the horror of the injustice. A Judah without a Daddy is like a pistol without a safety. What would a single mommy do? Only one choice: disarm that thng. The same effect can be in place in a two parent family, if Dad’s walking in passivity (which, having prayed for hundreds of people now, I can confidently say is a CHRONIC problem).
Sometimes I am completely at a loss. Panic approaches. I’d better reign him in now, lest the grumpy lady at the grocery store say, “Can’t you keep that kid quiet?” How can I possibly contain this little force? Without the wisdom of God, I would turn to what sometimes seems like the only option. Even the strongest little guy has a God-given “weakness” for the women in his life. Think of Samson. Women manipulate their men and/or little men because it works. It sneaks into discipline so easily. “Think of how that makes Mommy feel. Look at how exasperated I am. Look at how hard you just made my life. Can’t you just…??? You had better do that now, or else I will…” I confess, I have done it. Ick. But it distorts the little developing soul, and creates an iceberg of buried anger that is not easily melted in the rebellious teenager, numb young man, or insensitive young husband who is passed to his new wife to sort out… Thank you, Jesus, that it is so easy at two to say, “Judah, Mommy is SO sorry. Will you forgive me?” Bye-bye, iceberg.
Excuse me for a moment. “Judah, don’t lay on Samuel.”
Sometimes, well-meaning folks get frustrated with Judah. Sometimes even on our behalf. They see his force and misinterpret it. Or they see his sin and rightly interpret it, without eyes to see what he will become with careful discipleship. Or they think our discipline should have made more progress by now, and they could do it better. This is a very simple way to bring out the lionness in mommy, although she is old enough to gulp down her growls. Sometimes I just want to ask, What do you think Winston Churchill was like as a child? Or Abraham Lincoln? What about Simon Peter? Great men always make a stir, and it’s gonna be a pretty messy stir when said great man is two. And yes, we could do better. But God is faithful to people who are desperate, and cry out for his help. We are not joking when we talk about “carpet time.” Prayer life with a lion cub is very, very real, and the fruit or lack thereof is no mystery.
But God has been faithful to hear our noisy cries. While we often have dark circles under our eyes, inside you’ll see a bright sparkle. Having a boy? Without hesitation, we’ll spill all over ourselves to tell you from our experience with a lion cub…”THEY’RE SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!”
Judah at 18 months - a video from the vault.
