Everybody knows the nightmare where you try to scream, but you can’t.  It’s one of the worst feelings ever.  The theme is the sound of insignificance…voicelessness.

When it comes to communicating your heart, you know that you are under the tablecloth to someone else when they don’t hear you, even though you are talking.  You know that you are under the tablecloth to yourself when you don’t know what you’d say.  You know that you’ve been under there for a long time when you can’t remember when you stopped trying.  This is something that so often happens in childhood, in the home, that I don’t want to address it without talking a little bit about forgiveness first.

In the first post, I mentioned how God had created this beautiful chain of life through women, through the womb, that would link every human being ever born directly back to Him.  Life from LIFE, created by Him, in His image, valuable and significant beyond imagination.  But then I spoke of how Satan had twisted that very bond to communicate chains of INsignificance from generation to generation.

A short time ago, I was leading a group of women through these five ways to communicate significance to from mother to child.  I asked for a show of hands from any woman whose recollections of her own mother were marked by these five things.  One out of thirteen raised her hand.  To even get that data, I had to make them read the list with a pen in hand, marking one by one what they remembered from their relationship with mom.  I had to make them have pens, because all they could think about reading the list was how far they fell short with their own children.  The guilt came immediately and with ease.  The understanding had to be strained for.

My intention was not to make them mad at their moms.  The point was, like I said in the last post, “You can’t get water from a rock.”  You can’t give away what you’ve not received.  You just try and fail.   To break the chain of insignificance from one generation to the next, you have to address where it holds you.  This is really hard for women.  They don’t want to deal with what’s hurting down in their hearts, especially if it has to do with mom.  ”Don’t you talk about my mama…”  :)  Nine times out of ten, they’d rather just read a list of standards and feel like a failure.

But Jesus made a way, my friends.  These things can be faced.   Think of an area where your mom never ministered to your heart or gave you what you needed on a spiritual level and let’s call that “making pies”.   When I realize that I don’t know how to make pies because my mom never made pies and so she never taught me to make pies (this is a silly analogy for the deeper things of the heart, like not being heard, or fear based control in the home), I can just…get this… you will be changed forever… FORGIVE, yes, FORGIVE mom for never making pies.  I don’t have to rage at her, judge her, criticize her, or reject her (if you look back at your past relationship with her, you’ll often find you have already done these things, maybe in your teens, but just hadn’t identified accurately why).  I don’t dishonor all the AWESOME cakes and doughnuts she DID make.  I just need to be totally honest about the pies, and what it has meant to me that she didn’t ever make pies and what it cost me at the heart level.  I turn to Jesus and say, “Lord, YOU are the true pie-maker.  You have all the pies I need.  I release mom’s pie-making debt, and I ask you to make me a pie-maker like you.  Teach me what mom couldn’t.  I choose to make pies for my children, trusting You to provide everything I need.”

I just made that so silly, but hopefully you’re catching my drift.  In real life, it won’t play out silly.  What you are lacking that your heart cries out for is real and it is the real root of your anger, your striving, your fear of failure, and your anxiety.   It does need to be ministered to, you do need to FORGIVE, and you do need to be changed so that you do not pass insignificance down to your children.

One of the truly dumbest movies I’ve seen in a long time had one GREAT scene in it.  The heroine of the movie, whose mother had abandoned her as a child, was befriended by her suitor’s grandmother.  The girl was upset about something, when the grandmother, while conversing with her, picked up a brush and started brushing out her long hair.  The girl began to cry.  In the middle of the world’s dumbest plot-line, so did I.  It was downright powerful.  Like an arrow hitting a target, the grandma bypassed all the layers of the girl’s confusion with precision.  Without words, she said, “This is what is really hurting.  Nobody has taken care of you.”

My pie story won’t move your heart, but the Holy Spirit will, like the grandma did with that girl, in your own hair-brushing moment…gently exposing the place where you needed mom so badly, but for whatever reason she wasn’t there.  And then, I hope you remember the pies, forgive her, and turn to Jesus, with whom we are never voiceless.  If you release mom’s debt and turn it over to Jesus, you break that chain, and reconnect with Him, the Source of Living Water.  You’ll find it flows not only to your children, but back to mom, restoring and reconnecting you to her, as well.

Side note:  I hope the practicality and simplicity of forgiveness strikes every mama who reads this. As moms, we need the Lord’s forgiveness (as we mess up with our kids) so many times a day, that if we’re disconnected from its availability and power, we’ll live in a suffocating swamp of failure.  Living Water is very far from the woman who cannot forgive (even if it be because of denial of the wound) or receive forgiveness because she will not easily run to the Lord to get His forgiveness.

So, armed with the incredible tool of forgiveness, let’s look at the 4th way a mother practically communicates significance to her child, and fight insignificance’s favorite tool of voicelessness…

4.  Listening so as to understand.

• “You do not understand your heart, but I will attend to it.” I once witnessed a moment I’ll never forget between a mom and her toddler in a clothing/variety store.  The toddler was strapped into the cart’s seat, and mom, who was dressed to the nines, was pushing the cart and searching the racks.  The baby was making noises and reaching out to grab everything within reach.  A gorgeous, developmentally healthy child.  Mom responded to baby by hissing, “Shut up!  Don’t touch that, you brat!” and swatting his hands away from everything.  In my mind’s eye, I pictured her in five years, yelling at him for being completely passive, and then in fifteen years, crying in a police station, bewildered as to why her rage-filled son was criminal.  The price that child would pay because his mom didn’t care to understand his heart and his needs would be unquantifiable.  Soon they would come into conflict as he would begin to try to communicate his needs (probably in the form of anger), but the tragedy of his tender age highlighted his total vulnerability…he had no ability to understand, defend or explain himself.  This is an extreme example, but it highlights two things.  A)  Children aren’t able to comprehend their own hearts or needs.  B)  Nor are they able to communicate them.  This is mom’s role, and over the years she’ll develop their ability to do both for themselves.  Ways that mom can’t or doesn’t do this have consequences.  The significant mom is watching over the child’s heart, development, challenges, and needs to shape his world on his behalf, rather than react from moment to moment according to how he is fitting with her agenda.  She is setting him up to win, even in moments of discipline.  (E.G. Several times, Ariel has acted out on her brothers in anger, being really mean.  In talking about it, she cries out something like, “There’s just too much boys!!!”  It would be easy to just come down on her awful behavior and miss that she was really needing something, that her femininity was being unwittingly trampled by yet another army/airplane/wrestling game, that she is quite gentle and they are…not.  She couldn’t really understand why she was so angry, but I needed to, and to facilitate her limits, as well as addressing her behavior.)
• “My agenda does not trump your needs, my ultimate agenda IS your needs.” Part of understanding your child’s heart and meeting their needs is understanding that the child is a sinner.  That they were born that way and the need for discipline in their lives should NOT surprise you.  If mom is surprised when baby’s will begins to manifest selfishness as a toddler, and then that he tries out lying, that he whines constantly for his way (until it’s firmly addressed), that he steals from his brother, etc…she’s in for a rough time.  :)  If she perceives meeting his needs as only the “legitimate ones,” (the physical, the good-natured, the amicable) and doesn’t realize that she will encounter the ugliness of human nature in her child, she will not be prepared to respond correctly.  Many mothers respond to their child’s sinfulness with withholding, judgment, and rejection hoping that the withholding of love and affection will “really show him” how bad he’s being and he’ll change.  But if a  mom knows the truth and perceives that her child’s need for discipline is as normal as the child’s need for food (the biblical perspective), a) she understands her child’s heart (it is sincere, beautiful, and deeply marred by sinful self, especially rebellion) and b) she considers that discipline to be her job.  Being angry and rejecting the child have no place.  The child does not lose security or significance in the process of being parented and disciplined out of his sin. Mom is not personally wounded by child’s (disciplinary) needs, complaining about them, or exasperated.  She’s expecting them.
• “You will not have to fight to be understood.” How many marriage tensions could be boiled down to this, “I’m not so much angry (or crying) because you don’t understand me, as because I know that you would and could understand me, if you only wanted to understand more than you want to … (to defend yourself, to get this over with, to be right, etc.)”  Insignificance says, “What is there to understand?  What’s the big deal?”  It forces people to manipulate and strain for another’s attention through negative means, or even worse, just to give up.  Imagine getting a phone call from the president on a bad connection.  The effort one would put in to strain to hear what he had to say in a personal call would be extraordinary.  If you believe someone is significant, you try to hear what they are really saying, even if its difficult to perceive.  When we consider someone significant, we must know what it is they are communicating.  On the other hand, when it’s a sales call from the neighborhood newspaper, we hang up on them.  It’s that simple.  This is often a major area of forgiveness to work through from mother to child (and in marriage).  Lack of caring to listen what the other is saying is that viral sort of sin of omission that is everywhere.
• Again, this requires time. Busyness is the ultimate enemy of all these simple forms of establishing significance.  It can be why moms who would sweat, bleed, and give both kidneys for their kids still manage to build major tension with their children lasting into adulthood, pass on generations of insignificance, and find that the fruit of their parenting does not at all measure up to their intentions, or the effort they feel they made.  Days will pass quick as a blink if we don’t stop and make sure our mommy life is submitted to the Lord.  There must be a breaking ties with the standards of the world, and seeking the Lord for what he says the lifestyle, schedule, and agenda must be.  He understands children’s hearts and knows exactly what they need.  (for example.  A family considers it normal to visit all the relatives and do sports camps all summer, but if they would listen, the Lord says that they need to recoup from the school year and focus on family unity, especially for the sake of the youngest, who is dealing with insecurity and misses the increasingly busy teenage siblings.)

• “I am seeking your best, not to be ‘off the hook’.” There are things in parenting that are downright agonizing.  Constant whining, quarreling, begging, or rebellion leave a parent EXHAUSTED.  Because the world doesn’t know that there is a solution for these things, they constantly recommend me-time.  They don’t know that there can be peace in the home.  Peace in the home, however, comes at a hefty price.  Throughout the child’s development, there will be cycles of establishment followed by maintenance.  If you don’t do the hard work of establishment, you won’t ever get to maintenance (peace).  (EG,  So many parents simply don’t know what the battle will be to establish real heart-obedience in the toddler years, and so they live in an ungodly “normal” that is increasingly off track for the rest of the child’s development.  If you talk about peace, they assume you have better genes or luck.  They are in constant tension with their child.  In this difficult spot, Mom’s heart is just barely staying alive, and seeking every possible chance for a break.)  How to get to breakthrough is not what I’m addressing in this post, but for now, the point is that when you see your child’s significance, your heart INSISTS on getting to the breakthrough, no matter how costly or how long it takes.  Keeping everybody alive, and getting away for breaks is not enough.  Minimizing time with the child through childcare or school or minimizing the number of children because it is too difficult are not solutions.  Unbelief and hopelessness dwell with insignificance.  Significance presses for victory.
• “I’m watching with the Lord’s eyes.” When I look at my child, I want to see what the Lord sees.  I want to notice that the compliant one is trapped in sorrow, and address her needs with the same determination as I do the loud one that tends toward defiance.  Significance says, “The Lord does not call my child melancholy or a loner!  I will not be complacent because she’s quiet…I’m not satisfied until I see this little one be who God made her to be!”  In other words, my goals don’t center on a certain comfort level for myself and the family, but on WHO God says my children are to be, and how to DEVELOP them according to His individual blueprints.
• “I am in charge, and set limits long before you understand them.” It is almost impossible for a Mom who is trapped in insignificance to walk in strong authority with her children, especially if they display any strength of will.  If she does not come out of insignificance, either the children will rule her, or she’ll resort to control and manipulation to restrain them.  Whether it works or not in the short term, that road will end in destruction.  Mom has to know who she is and walk in her God-given authority as leader, even if by nature, she has a milder personality than they.  Limits can’t be set out of negotiation, but out of vision.
• See with spiritual eyes, not natural ones.  See what comes against the child, not merely how they react to it.  This is so important.  If we operate in natural wisdom, we will miss it!  We must be able to 1) understand our children’s hearts (”see” them, as we’ve been saying throughout the posts), and 2) understand the spiritual dynamics that affect them.  (EG, 3 year old suddenly won’t stay in her bed but repeatedly comes out crying.  Mom is stressed out by finances and fearful that Dad is going to lose his job.   She addresses 3 yr old’s “disobedience” with a crack down, not discerning the open door to a spirit of fear in the home.  After repeated discipline, child finally stays in bed.  After a few similar situations, child begins displaying anger and rebellion.)

So, really.  The significance of children?  Am I the first one to think of this?  How many politicians’ campaigns are practically run on cliched phrases about what we’re leaving to our children, how we’re educating our children, peace for our children, etc.?

How many women could say along with me, “I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into, but then I looked into my baby’s eyes for the first time…and my whole world was upside down…”  Millions and billions.  How many books, movies, songs, conferences about the worth of children?

How about Wess Stafford’s incredible book, Too Small to Ignore?  Note:  DO read that book if your parents were in ministry/missions, you are in ministry/missions and have kids, or you will ever lead people who are in ministry/missions and have children.  DO NOT read that book if you are wearing non-waterproof mascara.

The point is, yes, motherhood is awesome and wonderful and incredibly significant, because children are all these things.  I already alluded (briefly) to what happens if you try to restore the significance of women without children.  But what happens if you try to restore the significance of children without restoring the significance of women?  I think this actually happens a lot, especially in Christian circles.

Macro:  You get movements, activist women, and dogmatics.  La Leche League (breastfeeding ONLY…for years!), Attachment parenting ONLY, strange NO family planning doctrine, Home-school ONLY dogmatism, Natural Birth ONLY activists, parenting method/book X ONLY proponents…the legal list can go on and on.  These movements create legals lists which dictate ad nauseum what children require, but have only cost and striving to speak to women.  Women who’ve rejected the selfish spirit of the modern age are drawn in, but their hearts are left brittle.  These kind of movements, even if they’re as small as a couple families at the church, are marked by control, and the strongest voices are usually the women, not the men.  (Not always.)  These die-hard mamas may know something about the significance of children, but they often miss God’s heart for women.

Micro: Well, there’s a laundry list here.  But ultimately, you get burnt.  Burnt mamas, burnt marriages, and lopsided children.  You get women who sign up again and again to give it all for their kids, but from day to day are tired, aching, and needing another shot of adrenaline (mother-vision) in order to give their guts.  In other words, it’s not fun.  And it’s supposed to (in between the doggone difficult moments) REALLY, REALLY FUN.  Happy mamas, satiated husbands, and joyful subjects in the realm (i.e. the kids).  You know, abundant life.  (John 10:10)  The kind Jesus gives.

Abundant life produces life.  Good ideas in parenting, however well-meaning, cannot produce significant, life-filled children from exhausted, insignificant mothers.

So…we cannot push children out from under the tablecloth, and leave the mamas under there.  This probably seems like very ethereal talk.  Let’s look to our practical list to understand the dynamic.  The second basic way that significance is communicated from mother to child is as follows:

2. Joy-filled Empowerment “You can…!”  Raising up daughters into mama’s shoes, sons into daddy’s shoes.

The attitude is:  ”You ARE like me, you WILL BE like me, isn’t it so awesome that you are just like me?!?”  I hope you can hear the joy.  Do you see why mom has to walk in incredible significance in order to pass on her identity in the home from day to day?  What if mom sees herself as merely the grocery-buying, buns-wiping chauffeur?  What if she describes her role as referee/maid/cook?  What if mom hates her job?  What kind of identity can she give her kids?

HOWEVER, if mom walks in truth…if mom sees herself FIRST as salt of the earth, light of the world, disciple of Jesus Christ, indwelt temple of the Holy Spirit, chosen daughter of the King, discipler, teacher of the eternal WORD OF GOD, royal priest, holy and set apart by God, trainer, cherished Bride (of Christ and of her husband), eternal Beauty (according to 1 Peter), QUEEN ESTHER IN HER DOMAIN…well, then.  Now, we’re talking.

I have seen women who want to talk the above talk, but don’t believe for it in her home.  They are looking for significance elsewhere.  And THAT is the gong I want to strike.  YOU CAN’T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER!!!  The lie so many are believing is that because it’s not manifesting in the home, it’s “out there” somewhere.  (’It’ being significance.)  No, ladies, the tablecloth is not over your home, it’s over your heart.  Significance has to be restored through Jesus Christ, and then it has to flow like Living Water to your children.

• Always teaching, because development is the goal, not behavior. A significant mommy is a teacher/trainer.  Achieving standards of behavior is just an agenda.  Reproducing yourself requires understanding being passed on.  (E.G.  Not:  ”Hey, 8 year old!  Be quiet in church.”  But:  ”Here’s my heart when the Word of God is being spoken:  I’m hungry for it like starving person.  I’m thirsty for it like a marathon runner.  I’m desperate to honor God with my WHOLE body.”)
• Do they understand why?  This is my job. The transfer described above (which, by the way, is not one that would take place IN church, obviously, thus the need for unhurried time mentioned in #1) creates a WHY? in the child’s heart that is the place from which you want to form their behavior.  ”Why do like the Bible so much?  Why do you sing so loud and lift your hands?  Why do you pray like you’re angry sometimes?”  Answering is Mama’s job.  WAY more interesting than “Read your Bible.  Be respectful during worship!  Renounce sin and the enemy.”
• Passing on skills through repeated practice. Again, this requires laying down rights.  “To do this, you will have to be next to me and do what I do not nearly as well as I do it.  And I will encourage you in that, rather than taking over.”  This is not 24/7…it wouldn’t work!  Ha!  I’m picturing a three hour nightly dinner prep with a 3 yr. old daughter.  No, but it’s a heart attitude that creates an environment of training, that looks for opportunities to raise them up.  I’ve found these come much earlier than some people say, and much later than others.  It depends on the child, their interests, and what needs to be developed in them.  Judah LOVES to help me with the laundry and gather the upstairs trash.  Having simple responsibilities has literally brought him incredible LIFE.  I have never had Ariel regularly help me with laundry.  But she’s begging to change baby’s diaper when he comes. God leads in what the individual child needs.
• “I believe in who you are.”  Child is not defined or limited by their mistakes, struggles, or strongholds. A significant mama knows about process, because she has been in one with the Lord.  Every bit of strength, wisdom and righteousness in her life has come through His cross and its power in her life, so perfectionism has no place.  She knows that some character traits take years to develop and she failed 400 x’s before she succeeded.  She understands that this is the way with humans.  There are no “good children.”  There are only carefully developed, redeemed ones.  Bad days are bad, and sometimes they’re very bad.  But she is stubbornly convinced about who her child is because she is stubbornly convinced that the Lord is that committed to her, and so He will help her get them there (through careful application of His Word).
• Faith:  ”We will overcome, because you are precious and purposeful.” This is similar to the above, but holds a VERY important word: Purpose.  Insignificance is found in the mama who has no grasp of the great PURPOSE her days hold, the eternal weight behind what she does in her home, how much is at stake with her own self and her children.  If it matters whether or not her sons are self-controlled, if a nation’s salvation depends on it, or if her daughter’s kindness will heal a community, or if the glory of God is displayed when her husband still delights in her 35 years into their marriage and by that point it has impacted 5,000 young couples who’d never seen such a thing…well, then.  Now, you’re talking.

To unpack the destruction of women and children, the key concept is this:  Insignificance.  It’s a word I use a lot, but find difficult to really convey.  It’s a tidy little word for an unbelievably cruel form of destruction.  Let me try to fill in the picture.

It has become clear to me that most of the atrocities in the world don’t file through an open door of hatred, malice, and rage.  The worst of the widespread worsts come through a much less noticeable and offensive door.  Insignificance.  It’s what is in place when a person cannot see another person as having worth, dignity, value.  It’s our incredible ability to look at another person and see…nothing.

Think of these difficult things from the past and present.  How does a Southern gentleman go to church on Sunday and sleep at night planning to sell a mother down the river away from her babies?  How does an English lord ponder the quality of his sherry while his stewards evict starving Irish families off their tiny plots of land?  How do Brahmins step without distress over diseased untouchables dying slowly in their path?  How does your cordial neighbor who’d happily grab your mail while you’re on vacation carry a strong conviction that a woman should be allowed to tear her child limb from limb in her womb, if she chooses?

This is the human condition.  Sure, there’s rage, there’s hatred, there’s anger.  Some slave owners, Nazis, Anglo-Irish aristocracy, pro-choice activists had or have rage and hatred for their victims.  But not most.  Mostly, there’s just numb, blind indifference in a fog of busy self-focus.  This is the sinful human heart…all of us.  When we look at certain kinds of people, we don’t see anything.  Make sense?

Insignificance is like a drab tablecloth that you don’t notice, and so never wonder what is underneath.  God NEVER, EVER, EVER does this.  Because He is LOVE, and love sees.  It’s actually, contrary to popular thought, the one thing that is NOT blind.  This is ALMOST beyond our comprehension.

I love this verse:  The Lord then answered him and said, “Hypocrite! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or donkey from the stall, and lead it away to water it?  So ought not this woman, being a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has bound—think of it—for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath?”  And when He said these things, all His adversaries were put to shame; and all the multitude rejoiced for all the glorious things that were done by Him.  Luke 13:15-17

THINK OF IT!  The Lord Jesus has to shake people awake from blind slumber.  THINK OF IT!  She’s a person.  A real person.  Think of her suffering.  Is she not worth more than an animal?  Does she not matter?  Can you not see her at all?  The pharisees were debating what was right.  Jesus was appalled by their blindness.  The woman was a nothing to them, worth less consideration than a valuable animal.

THIS is what women are fighting against, for centuries and generations and decades, all the way back to the curse, when we were told that our desire would be for our husband (a man), but that he would be consumed, desperate to overcome futility and uselessness in his toil.  She would be looking at him, and he would be looking at his hands.  Struggle, lack, and disappointment.  Enter:  the tablecloth.

I don’t know exactly what it was like for Eve before that, to have her husband’s complete delight, attention, to be fully satisfying, to be perfectly dignified, queened, beautiful, and fruitful.  To be completely significant.  But I imagine it was a little like the situation for a growing baby in the womb, enveloped in ceaseless embrace and total provision.  Just about perfect.  (Oh, and probably a lot like how it feels to encounter Jesus.)

Side note:  the quickest way for a woman to feel like she’s out from under the tablecloth is through her physical appearance.  Instant attention and recognition, the ability to pull a man’s eyes away from himself.  This is why you find new mommies dieting, exercising and obsessing about their post-baby figure.  This insanity does not come from post-partum hormones.  It comes from desperate fear of going under the tablecloth, being worthless, becoming a nothing.

There are a million ways women fight the tablecloth of insignificance.  Through usefulness, status, her work, education, ministry, philanthropy, birthing more children than her neighbor with less drugs, the whole vast array.  But when men leave women under the tablecloth, and women are busy fighting their way out, guess who gets left under there completely?

Children.

This is why you find women pumping breast milk in the office bathroom while her eight week old takes a bottle from a stranger.  This is why you find stay at home moms antsy, depressed, desperate for something to give their days meaning, actually seeking out busyness and preoccupation.  This is why our grandmas could take perfect care of the furniture, but tear ruthlessly into their daughters with criticism and control.  This is why the birthrate for Westerners is around 1.2-1.7, not even enough to replace the parents’ generation.

Children:  we just can’t see them.

Can’t perceive their worth.  Even if we would say they are our highest priority (just like most men would say their wife is the most important person in their world), we just don’t feel what they feel, aren’t engaged by their personhood, aren’t emotionally impacted or able to intuit their needs.

I’ve got to stop, b/c I’m trying to fit a book into a blog post.  There’s so much more to say.  I know I said I would offer something practical, though, so here’s a little bit of what the Lord’s been showing us as we’ve sought how to walk out of insignificance as mothers and as women.  We asked for some practical ways that a mother in Christ flies in the face of all this destruction and communicates significance to her children, rather than insignificance.  Here is the first of five:

1. Time with touch

• Unhurried time, b/c you ARE my agenda.  Even for moms who stay at home with their kids, it is so easy to find that the agenda has ceased to be the development and nurturing of the children.  It becomes practical, or distraction driven, or anything but focused on what they really need. ( E.G.  a child needs breakthrough out of rebellion, but the plan for the week is filled with fun activities.  What the child needs is to stay home and deal with the heart issues with discipline and intentionality, but instead, mom heads out and wrestles screaming child at tumbling, music, and the park.  Mom is exhausted and resentful.  Her agenda was in the way of seeing what was really needed.)
• Physical acceptance, laying down of the rights to my body.  Children needs TONS of touch, and having recently come from mom’s body, kind of perceive it as theirs.  :)  Mom is not a jungle gym by any means, but it is crucial to lay down the right to “personal space,” as the security that comes from physical closeness is irreplaceable.  No amount of college savings, hallmark cards, or a car at sixteen can make up for what is built in a child in the early years when mom is accessible for touch and physical comfort.
• Enjoyment of every aspect of the child, including their appearance.  When a child delights a parent, insignificance can’t get a foothold!  Letting delight cover every aspect of relating to your child is RIGHT and GOOD.  Celebrate their beauty!  Laugh at their jokes!  Highlight their talents!  Expect favor and goodness for them wherever they go.  They’re the Lord’s children!  Watch for little ways that fear and insignificance would steal from the celebration of your children.  The need to “tone it down” is not from God, and is useless in trying to teach humility or righteousness.
• “We are at peace.”  Mom= home and home = safety, peace…  This is what the world will not acknowledge.  In the early years, mom is home.  Dad is hugely important, of course, but mom is where the kids live, if you will.  They don’t care about what make the car is, if they have a spacious room, or about the pottery barn kids catalogue.  They need peace in the home, and where mom is is home.  Mom’s peace is the investment point, the urgent need of the hour, and represents the security of the children.  If Mom lives without peace, don’t waste time on non-essentials, and don’t bypass it.  Seek the Lord to find out why.  (E.G.  if mom lives busy and exhausted, Dad doesn’t just need to get her a pedicure, they need to seek the Lord and make changes, even if they’re major.)

We have been exploring restoring significance, importance, and worth to women, and have decided it can’t be done.

Well, not that it can’t be done completely, but that it can’t be done in a vaccuum, divorced from the relationships that matter most to women.  Especially, women’s significance as mothers, carriers and nurturers of life.

In the later decades of the last century our culture (and subsequently much of the church) has tried to right centuries of wrongs, millions of mistreatments, and the utter degradation and abuse of women by freeing them from…the very core of who they are.

There’s so much to say about this, and I have an incredibly personal testimony of transformation, as a woman who desperately wanted to make a significant mark in this world and hated/desperately feared the role of motherhood.  I saw it as the least significant role I could possibly fulfill, a hefty distraction from what would be a truly worthwhile use of my “incredible talents.”  Over time, as my heart was being wooed to discipleship by the Lord Jesus, this attitude neatly conformed to new and more “eternal” goals.  I would do “significant” things for God.  Motherhood would hopefully not get in the way.

When I share it, my testimony can sound a little extreme, for a church girl.  But it’s not.  Friends, it’s no coincidence that my generation, about the same age as Roe v. Wade, has seen astonishing drop in birth rates worldwide, is having fewer babies later and later, is dropping them off at day-care to pursue more worthwhile endeavors, and as mothers are experiencing what often amounts to a daily nightmare of anxiety, isolation, and exhaustion.  Not to mention failure.

AAP, you can give us more booster seats for the couple children we can fit in our crossovers, or someone (Jesus) could actually HELP us by hearing a heart cry.  A heart cry to understand what in the world has happened to us as women in a world gone mad.  A world where the most important, life-altering, costly, exhausting, and miraculous marathon of our entire existence (in which we will produce a generation that replaces us ALL on the planet) is reduced to meeting basic physical needs under higher and higher pressures of fear with less and less time to do so, with almost no mentors, in often almost total isolation, in the face of general indifference of society (except for magazine covers that undress celebrities to expose how quickly they get back in shape) and with a generation of fathers who may have not even taken the time to marry us.

How can we be healed?

It did not heal me to be told I could be anything I wanted to be, and did not have to be a mother.  It did not restore me to tell my husband to split duties with me, fifty-fifty (this cannot be done).  It will not honor me to offer me more day-care choices subsidized by the government.  It will not free me to have the church elevate me into positions so I’m not “just a mom.”  Oh, and Parenting, get a clue.  There is not enough “me-time” in the world to soothe a mommy’s soul, which is even more exhausted and fragile than her sleepless body.  So quit offering that tired, old answer.

There is only one placed to be healed, to have dignity restored, to be returned to honor, to find abundant provision, to hear the WISDOM that finally brings peace.  It is the Father’s House, the HEART of God.  It is discovering how He feels about women, which can’t be done without understanding something of how he feels about children, which will lead to uncovering what a great charge He has commissioned to husbands/fathers.  This discovery is entirely unearthly.  It is LOVE, from start to finish.

There is so much to write on this topic.  I think I will pick it up in the next blog, when I want to talk about turning the tide practically.  Seeing that while God has designed that the generations be like a chain of love, significance, and identity all the way back to Him, satan has has sought to turn the chain into one where worthlessness, insignificance, and confusion get passed down from mother to child, generation to generation.  Hopefully, though my broad, dramatic strokes won’t speak to everyone’s situation, there’ll be something for every woman in it.  :)

As I approach the brink of being mom to a trio of boys (boy #3 will join us the end of April), instead of just a duo, I’ve been pondering what this means.  Especially on Saturday mornings.  On Saturday mornings, Judah has been playing in a little soccer league with a bunch of other preschoolers in a hilarious display of pure boyhood exerted on hapless little soccer balls they call “bobcats.”

“What happens if we touch ‘bob’ with our hands?  OWWWWWWWW!!!!!  That’s right!  He bites us!  We always use our feet!”  You get the picture.

Girls are welcome, too, and cute as pie with their little pink shin-guards and ribboned piggies.  But the boys…well, there are obviously way more of them, and unleashed on the itty-bitty turf fields, the boys are just TOO AWESOME.  I can’t help it.  I LOVE BOYS.

I love that they’re happy, that they can’t sit still, that they want to be in charge, that they cry over ego-bruises, that they yell when they try to whisper, and that they are filled with raw, boundless LIFE.

Back when I was a girl, I used to not like boys.  I don’t mean that I wasn’t attracted to them.  Just that I used to not like that they can’t sit still, used to HATE that they always wanted to be in charge, used to bruise their egos on purpose, used to try to shut them up, and despised their wildLIFE.  :(  I’m so sorry.

But God set me free.  He had to…so I could marry one of the wildest men of them all.  And then raise up three (thus far) MIGHTY MEN:  hard-charging, tender-hearted, free-spirited but self-controlled BOYS.  And considering God keeps giving them to OJ and me, I’ve realized He must be serious about how we do it.  So what’s been brewing in me on Saturday mornings is the beginnings of a manifesto.  A charter for manhood, if you will.  Some of the targets we’ll have in sight as we parent these small giants.  I’m sure we’ll modify it some over the years, but here goes:

The McDowell Mighty MAN-ifesto

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.       Mat. 22:36-38

1. We are like Jesus. Jesus Christ was the manliest man who ever was.  He was stronger, wiser, and more courageous than any king, sage, or hero before or after Him.  No one has led a stronger army, defeated more enemies, rescued more captives, conquered more of the world, sacrificed more painfully or loved more radically than He.

2. We are productive, not passive. In our generation, millions of males will waste their lives on video games and movies.  We were made to bear eternal fruit, and every tree that does not bear fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.  We hate wasted lives.  We will rest well when it’s time, but first we will get to work.

3. We are hardcore. We are willing to be consistently intense.  We exercise our weaknesses as well as our strengths.  If we are smart, that is no excuse to be lazy.  If we are strong, that is no excuse to be a fool.  If we are gifted, that is no reason to be lofty.  We’ll do what we’re good at excellently, and do what we’re poor at better every time.

4. We love women. Women are what we are not and can never be.  They are other, they produce life, and they are sacred to the Lord, and so we carry an awe and reverence for each one, even if she will not carry it for herself.  No woman God assigns to our care will be forced to unduly protect, lead, or provide for her self, her honor, or her purity.

5. We guard children.  Our eyes are open, not shut, to the weak and the vulnerable.  Every time we meet a child we are encountering maximized opportunity to display God as loving Father, strong protector, and kind authority.  Every child is a mission field, and no ground is softer.

6. We are like Dad, and we like it that way. We were wired from birth to adore and emulate Dad.  Mommy knows that her boys will at some level hate themselves unless they honor Dad.  Dad is King in the home, and it is our privilege to honor him as the Mightiest Man of them all.

7.  We value time above money. Money comes and goes, but time just goes.  Our days in this life are very short, and every single one counts.   We will not fool ourselves into thinking we have used our time well because of how much money we’ve produced.  Jesus Christ came to save men’s souls.  We’re bold to use what is temporal blithely to buy what is eternal.

8. We have courageous hearts. Cowardly men go numb.  We “guard our hearts,” choosing to feel as tenderly as God does.  We will allow our hearts to hate evil, weep over injustice, cry out for mercy, delight in God, rejoice in triumph, and love passionately.

9.  We are always seeking wisdom. The fool hates correction, and the fool is doomed to destruction.  We  search for wisdom like silver and gold.  We’ll hunt high and low for good instruction and wise counsel.  However, we know how rare wisdom is, so while we live desperate for counsel, we’ll not take it from an unfruitful man or woman, no matter what their credentials may be.  We see through titles, positions, and professors, searching for the voices of those who fear the Lord.

10.  We were made to lead in our generation. To be great leaders, we can have no part with rebellion.  We’ll obey our parents to learn to obey the Lord.  We will honor our delegated authorities.  We know that if we agree to the tension of meeting pressure from authorities above us (either godly or ungodly) with a submitted, flexible spirit, while drawing our thoughts from immovable roots that go deep into the word of God, then we will find ourselves in God’s school of training for Great Men.

11.  We will laugh really, really hard just about every day. We’ll be clear about what’s serious, but anything else is fair game in the great contest to make our sister cry from laughing and our brother pee his pants.

12. We will remember that we were raised in a home with two parents who loved us and each other with all their hearts, prayed for us incessantly, and devoted themselves to discipling us in the fear of the Lord.  We will remember that in our generation, very few souls will have ever experienced that kind of love, security, and truth.  Because of this, we will not cease to preach the gospel, which opens the door of God’s family home to every orphaned soul in this entire world.  We will owe each person we meet a debt of love, give out constant grace, and remember that to whom much is given, much will be required.

This is one that I wrote earlier this week, but didn’t feel it was the right one for that day.  So here it is, tacked to the end.  God bless you and your precious little ones!!!

If parenting ever leaves you feeling completely overwhelmed, at your wit’s end, and befuddled, then that’s really, really good.  No, really it is.  Because you know something that billions of people in the world don’t, the ONE THING that you need to know.  You know the Name on which to call.  In the middle of the battering of our bodies by various bugs and illnesses that we called “Christmas 2009,” when it was Judah’s turn to get the stomach flu, something wonderful happened.  It was the middle of the night, and Judah woke up sick.  As I’ve mentioned before, he usually wants Daddy in the night, so I was laying in my bed, as OJ led him in his misery over to the toilet to vomit.  I listened, exhausted from my own sickness.  I heard him groaning over the toilet, and then he cried, “God, help me.  God, help me.”  In my stupor, my heart smiled.  “Thank you, Jesus.  Thank God.  We’re doing something right, baby.  He knows to call on the name of the Lord.”  If we mess up every day from here on out, miss some major theological point of education, if he falls in with the wrong crowd at Sunday school…I’m joking.  These things aren’t going to happen.  But if they did, Judah knows in his three year old heart, somewhere in the core of him, that God is real, and He is strong to save.  I smiled my way back to sleep. Judah’s sickness barely lasted a couple more hours.  God is real, Judah, and He answers.

He answers!  This is why I want to talk a little more about faith versus fear, because we have everything we need when we believe Him.  We live in lack, not because we don’t have what we need for parenting our kiddos, but because we lack faith.  We so easily can believe that there’s a way to “do it right” that we are going to miss, when we are missing the ONE who IS the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  We are like bumper cars running into each other, “Scuse me, where’s the organic aisle…have you heard about the dangers of aluminum foil…don’t let that kid ride a bike without a helmet!”  Fear is the parent’s constant companion in this world.  Seriously, the baby industry is milking us for millions with all our fear over how we can possibly handle this…baby?!?  AAAAAugh!!!!!  I need a several thousands of dollars of stuff that will be useless to me in a couple of months!!!  But we…children of God…we are not of this world.  We are the ones who were set free from fear by the Cross of Jesus Christ.

For example, the enemy loves to bring the fear that our children won’t follow the Lord.  This thought, concept, and report comes straight from the pit of hell.  It is NEVER the Holy Spirit whispering to you that your children may not follow the Lord.  The violence I have in my heart against this is something you probably don’t ever want to see unleashed.  Anything of this nature brings a, “Get thee behind me, Satan!!!!!!!” response from me.  Do I worry about it?  Absolutely not ever. I don’t entertain that vile, tormenting fear even for an instant.  Why?  Because GOD HAS NOT GIVEN ME A SPIRIT OF FEAR, but of POWER, LOVE, AND SOUND MIND.  2 Tim. 1:7.  There have been days that OJ and I were at our wits’ end, on the floor, fasting and praying for our child’s breakthrough.  There may be more of those to come.  But the fact that OJ and Suz do not know what to do does not really mean that much, after all, when Almighty God is FOR us.  In those moments, there is all-out desperation.  But no despair.  A holy cry to the Lord, saying, “You must intervene!!  I will not let go until You answer!!!”  This is a response of desperate faith, and it is pleasing to the Lord.  God answers.

We get deceived by fear because we don’t understand the ways of God.  Read this Scripture:

³⁶ And the men whom Moses sent to spy out the land, who returned and made all the congregation grumble against him by bringing up a bad report about the land— ³⁷the men who brought up a bad report of the land— died by plague before the LORD. ³⁸Of those men who went to spy out the land, only Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh remained alive. Numbers 14:36-38

Remember how I said the other day that fear was a big jerk that we should kick out of our houses?  I apologize, because I did not use strong enough language.  If you don’t know the story referenced in the scripture above, it refers to when the Lord brought the Israelites to the land that He had promised them.  At the point where they pause on the border of the promised land, the people want to know what is ahead of them.  The promised land, filled with milk and honey, is also filled with inhabitants.  But the Lord told them it would be theirs.  So they send a dozen spies to bring back the report.

Side note:  this is the very spot we find so many believers in.  They are sitting on the border of their Biblical promises (for love, joy, peace, abundant life, fruitfulness, etc.), shocked and surprised that the land is already inhabited.  They have beginnings of faith, but only enough for uninhabited land that they need not fight for.  They succumb to unbelief and fear.  “Because I have not yet experienced my portion of the land, the promises of God may not be true.”  Nonsense.  The Lord told them (and tells us) specifically that we will have all that we place our feet on (Deut. 11:23,24).  We are not given the promise of battle-free land, but of victory when we fight.  This is so important for parenting!!!!

So the spies return and 10 of the 12 report to the people on the size of the giants.  They spread fear and hesitation, and the people shrink back from God’s commands to TAKE THE LAND because of their unbelief.  Only two spies speak with faith.  So how does God feel about the fearful spies?  He kills them with a plague.  Because of their evil report of fear and unbelief, a generation disobeyed God and died in the wilderness.  When all the promises of God were there, waiting for them to enjoy, all the good things, they believed the evil report of fear and refused to fight, sealing their own purposeless deaths.  Note:  God didn’t kill the unbelieving generation, He just let them come to a natural demise in mediocrity, insignificance, and purposelessness.  But he did kill the messengers of fear.

As believing parents, we must understand that a spirit of fear is at all times bringing us a bad report, an EVIL report.  At all times, the enemy is seeking to intimidate, frighten, and cause us to hesitate to battle the inhabitants of our promised land (whatever your inhabitants are:  depression, anxiety, self-pity, rebellion, whatever) and shrink back, leaving them in place.  We become intimidated, thinking that if the promises of God were true, there would be no battle.  WE have not understood.  We must be utterly unwilling to hear the bad report of fear.  We must hear the report of the Lord over our children. When we don’t understand the ways of God, we think that if He had willed for people to have something, they would have it.  We don’t understand that God did will for the people to have the land, but because of fear and unbelief they didn’t take it.  We don’t understand the POWER of fear.  Fear, when given the chance to spread its report, will take the outcome and make it match its predictions.  Some people say it is a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Let me simplify it this way.  All day, every day, we will be receiving two kinds of reports.  One will be bad, and one will be good.  The bad one will usually be circumstancial, factual, and reasonable (until we get really bound by fear, and it can even take us into the realm of the irrational).  The good one will be based on Scripture and possibly nothing else.  Like the Israelites, we will act in accordance with the report that we choose.  Either faith or fear.  Which one we choose will determine the outcome.  See, we can think the way out of fear is to know what’s going to happen.  We don’t understand that what’s going to happen is very much dependent on whether or not we believe the report of fear.  God has holy rage against the message of fear, and eventually will “send a plague,” if you will, on the spirit of fear that torments you.  But you and I must choose whether we will be of the generation that allows our inheritance to be stolen and dies in the wilderness, or of the generation that believes the Lord and takes the good land.

So what is the report of the Lord over our children?  Is it that they are rebellious, angry, contentious, fearful, sorrowful, and whiny, and God just doesn’t know WHAT to do with them?  Or is that just us, little humans, predictably coming to the end of ourselves, as will happen at least twice a week for the rest of our lives?  Does the Lord not at all times know exactly what to do to reach my child?  Will we stop, listen to His report, and act on what He says?  Will we live simply, with child-like faith, asking consistently, “What do I do, FAther?  GOD, HELP ME!”  Because He WILL answer.  Our fearful hearts seek a formula that is fool-proof, a way of doing it that will guarantee results.  But the door to all God’s wonderful parenting methods is FAITH… that HE IS, and that He rewards those who seek Him.  God loves to give rich revelation of truths, but even more He loves a constancy of dependence, so that there’s nothing we count on more than HIM and HIS WORD.

If you really want to hurt someone, every villian knows that the best thing to do is to go after their kids.  This is the story of the human race, and its been Satan’s idea from the beginning.  In his rebellion against God, Satan didn’t go blow out the stars, or paint graffitti on the Milky Way, or, as far as I know, turn all the bunny rabbits into scorpions.  In his hatred of God, he plotted against Him by seducing His kids into the greatest betrayal in the history of the universe.  The beautiful earth had been created for them, and they to rule it, and instead Adam and Eve believed God’s mortal enemy and conspired with him to turn over their paradisical domain to his vile, horrific, abusive tyranny.  And humankind has been enslaved ever since.

We should be wise to know that this core element of Satan’s strategy has not changed.  He wants to destroy God’s kids; he wants to destroy our kids.  Please look really, really hard with me at this Scripture:

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. ² You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. ³ All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. ⁴ But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, ⁵ that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)…  Eph. 2:1-5 (emphasis mine)

I look at a verse like this, and I sometimes I wonder if the American church has been more informed by Norman Rockwell and Leave it to Beaver than by the Scriptures.  When did we start to think the world was a good place filled with nice people?  How did we get so confused?

God is sovereign over all, He is the king of all kings, He has all the power, but did you know that He’s not the only one in who’s “at work” down here?  There’s a usurper, a false king, an imposter working through people.  There is always a spirit at work in hearts, and for those who are disobedient, the Bible says it is the devil.  That might shock some Christians to consider, but the Bible’s clear.  When a person gets saved, it is not from the NFL viewership unto church attendance, it is real!  They are actually getting saved from enslavement to sin and obedience to the devil!  Another scripture calls him “the god of this age” who has “blinded the minds of unbelievers,” 2 Cor. 4:4.  This, my friends, is a Biblical worldview.  If one finds it distasteful, or over the top, or overly radical, they are going to be friends with the world.  They will be filled with confusion and unclear on the mission.  This person, we’ll call him “Rambo” for fun, will forget he’s supposed to be rescuing POW’s, end up chatting it up with the camp wardens, drinking their liquor and playing their games, mocking the inmates here and there, and sending his children to the local Viet Cong nursery school.

Bible says over and again in some of the strongest language in the New Testament:

John 15:19
If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.

1 John 2:15
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

1 John 3:1
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

⁴ You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.  James 4:4

(emphases mine)

You don’t fit in, I don’t fit in, God help us if we ever fit in.  This is what we’re preparing our little ones for.  As we raise them to serve Jesus, we must realize that they will be hated by the world, not known by the world, and that the world is at enmity with their very best Friend, Jesus Christ.  At what age do you think a child can handle being hated, misunderstood, and rejected, and continue to thrive?  This is the age at which you should launch them out into the world.  At what age do you think a little one should take classes from someone who “obeys the devil” (just quoting scripture here)?  This is the age at which they should be offered up to spend the majority of their time under unbelieving teachers.  At what age should a child be expected to hang out all the time with peers who are at enmity with their friend Jesus, and still be loyal to Him?  What age were you before you were up for that?  This is not about fear.  Fear will not help us to be wise.  This is just about the fear of the Lord, which is the beginning of wisdom.  Here is the Lord’s command to us as parents:

And these words which I am commanding you this day shall be [first] in your [own] minds and hearts; [then]

⁷You shall whet and sharpen them so as to make them penetrate, and teach and impress them diligently upon the [minds and] hearts of your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.  Deut. 6:6,7  (Amplified Bible)

This is not a confusing passage.  It places the responsibility on parents to FILL their child’s day with the words that God commands us.  God is not naive.  His first kids got taken in with a little piece of fruit and some fast talking.  How hard will parents battle when the serpent has been given the hearts of men to work through, and is the “god of this age”?  No more ‘Bible Class,” friends.  It’s “Bible Life.”  As I said yesterday, letting the Word of God come out of us all day long, like a river.  Don’t be afraid.  This does not require a seminary degree, just BELIEF, which is much more useful.  Jesus said, “Take heart, for I have overcome the world!” Jn. 16:33.  He has overcome it.  We will overcome it, too, if we don’t love it.

Two things to be clear on:

1. The church, school, or camp we attend is not going to answer to God for filling my child with the truth, I will.

2. I will not answer to God for a local church, school, or youth group, I will answer for my kids.

I hear people say things like, “What will happen if we abandon the public schools?”  Understand that there is no command in Scripture for you to fill the public schools with your kids, but there is a command to fill your kids with His Word.  By all means, be burdened for your local schools and the kids in them, but do not confuse that with the mandate of Deut. 6 to parents.  This confusion has devastated so many.

Deuteronomy 6 gives us permission to be intensely loyal to our children.  Out of love and and out of fear of the Lord.  Do nothing out of fear of man or any sort of fear.  If your church’s school is not good for your child, don’t send them there.  If Grandma’s house is not a healthy environment, limit the time.  If their little hearts are being hurt by some buddies that want to play a lot, intervene.  Reach out to the little buddies with love and truth, but remember that it’s your child that you will answer to God for.  In the kingdom, when you’re faithful with the little He gives you, He gives you more.  Be faithful with your kids, and He will give you other kids to pour out His mercy on, too.

Of course, we remember the mission we are raising our little “Rambos” for…it is, after all, to seek and save the lost.  Our intention isn’t to hide them from the world, but to establish them in righteousness so that they can effectively do the mission.  Raise evangelists!  Raise worshippers!  Raise lovers of God!  When they are exhibiting this steadfastly IN the home, they’ll be ready to exhibit it outside.  Don’t think that you light your candle by sticking it out in the darkness.  First, set it aflame.  Then it can shine in the darkness.

One more note:

There are so many tough parenting questions that we need the Lord to lead us in.  Which school do I send my child to?  What shows are okay to watch?  What music?  I used to believe in hard and fast rules on these things, but then I thought, how can we hold up a hard and fast rule that isn’t in Scripture?  Hmmm…

So I go back to Scripture for the “hard and fast rules.”

Proverbs 8:13
To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

If we hate evil, we don’t need a rule to tell us which movies are okay to watch.  We’ll hate not just four letter words and graphic nude scenes, we’ll hate perversion portrayed as normal, a doofus dad being disrespected, contention between siblings presented as comedy, boring marriage contrasted to exciting promiscuity, etc., etc., etc.  So much better to be sickened by what the world thinks is fun, and pass that on to your kids, than to have a strict rule based on the rating system.

If we believe that God said in Deut. 6 to “sharpen” the commands of God so as to make them “penetrate” when we “impress” them on our kids’ minds…wow.  We won’t hand them over to the world to impress their thinking onto our kids, whether it be through school, media, or peer influence.  We won’t seek a “fun” kids’ program where God is the flip side of a chocolate coin and they talk about “making God exciting” (only people who think God isn’t exciting talk like this),  we’ll seek out a place where He is adored and worshipped in holiness.  We won’t hope in Sunday morning to teach our kids about God, we’ll hope that Sunday morning can keep up with the fire in the home!!!  Woo-hoo!  Now that’s fun. 

BIG THANKS to my Mom, who’s been shouting, “Deuteronomy 6!” to as many parents as would listen for years now!  I’m with you, Mom.  Let’s RESCUE THE KIDS!!!

Okay, so here’s our job.  To take little people who are naturally inclined toward these:

9 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, ²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, ²¹ envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like…

And instead, turn them toward these:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control.   from Gal 5:19-22

Did we THINK we could somehow accomplish this on our own?  OH YEAH, sure, to convert our little sinners, to save and deliver them, to free them from bondage to sin and produce beautiful eternal fruit…it’s going to take Super Parents, you know, the ones who are better, smarter, and more spiritual than you!

NO, IT’S NOT!!!  IT’S GOING TO TAKE THE MIRACULOUS POWER OF GOD!  Really, how much power does it take to accomplish this sort of feat?  It is astounding!  I can’t even convince them to eat vegetables, who can convince them that the dictates of their hearts are misleading and wicked, and they should turn to that which does not come naturally:  righteousness?  Who has this sort of authority?  How quickly can I get them to come over and help me out?

Drum role, please:  All the authority and power you need for this job is already IN YOUR HOUSE waiting to help you out.  It’s on your shelf, baby!  Here’s what it says:

Psalm 19:7
The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul;The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple…

2 Timothy 3:16
Every Scripture is God-breathed (given by His inspiration) and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin, for correction of error and discipline in obedience, [and] for training in righteousness (in holy living, in conformity to God’s will in thought, purpose, and action)...  (amplified Bible)

The Word of God, spoken in faith, will convert the soul.  The Word of God, spoken in faith, will instruct, reprove, correct, convict, discipline, and train.

You gotta be kidding, right.  That’s it?  Do I have to do a tap dance when I speak it?  Do I need a felt board, you ask?  Do I recite a verse a day at bedtime?  What’s the formula?

YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IT.  For real, it’s that simple.  Faith comes by hearing (Rom. 10:17), it is something that is imparted.  If you BELIEVE that “the grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever, ” (Is. 40:8), then everything is different.  For example, If you BELIEVE that God cannot lie (Tit. 1:2), commands us not to lie (Lev. 19:11), and is at enmity with Satan, the father of lies (Jn. 8:44) , then

A)  You will not ever lie.

B)  When your little one tells a lie, instead of chuckling, or scolding, or saying, “Now don’t you tell me a fib!”  you will open your mouth, and the everlasting authority of Scripture, which could never be attained by eloquence, persuasive ability, or force of will or personality, will come out.  You will, in that moment, if you have BELIEVED the Scripture (not religiously assented to believing it, but actually believing it) impart faith in the truths above to your child.  And your child will believe, too.

The gap between their HEARING the truth and OBEYING the truth is that rebellion referred to in earlier posts.  That is what we discipline for, knowing it is not a one-day battle.  In the midst of that discipline, we constantly offer them what God offers us through Jesus Christ, His own righteousness.  Instead of bringing shame to them and making the righteous godly standard (telling the truth, in the above example) a bar they have to attain, we call them a new name, like God did for us.  For instance, after a discipline for lying, I wipe my little guy’s tears, and prompt him to ask my forgiveness, and I draw him into my Word-based identity, as God did for me.  Doesn’t matter that he just totally lied, I use these words:  “We love the truth!  We hate lies, and we always speak the truth!”  I communicate to him that he’s with me, and we are God’s.  Communicate that we (choose to) think like God and act like God, because we’re His kids.  We never make our children wait to prove this to us; we tell them this is who they are.  That’s what God did for us in Christ.  A new identity, based on Jesus’ payment in full, not held in suspension until they get it right.

When Scripture we believe is running out of our mouths, then the river of God is in our homes, rushing our children towards righteousness.  The authority of God is there, right there, converting, convicting, and bearing fruit.

Fear will mess all this up.  Where faith says, “God is for me.  I will have the victory,” fear says, “It is up to me to make this happen.  I have to have the victory–NOW!!!”  And then control enters in.  Control uses force of volume or personality, physical strength, anger, or emotional manipulation to achieve what God wants us to trust His Spirit and His Word to accomplish.  Fear makes every situation the end of the world.  It fills us with pressure to make the child perform well in the exam, and every moment is an exam (especially if anyone else is watching).  It takes our focus off of training and removes our patience.  Faith looks to the end goal.  It knows that perfection from moment to moment is not the goal, a truly submitted heart is.  It trusts that God will come through.  That He has established my authority, and so He will by His Spirit enforce it.  The Word of God is enough for me.  I believe it.

I am sure most of you out there have sweet little lambs who respond instantly to your softest inflection, and so you won’t be able to relate to finding yourself exhausted at the end of the day with your toddler, wondering how someone who cannot even form sentences could effectively accomplish a coup d’etat, wrestling control from my college educated, doctrinally correct, upright citizen of a self.  I am probably the only one, but just in case anyone else out there can relate…this one’s for you.

You might remember the last two pieces of my mommy mantra were:  I am not afraid of you, and I am in charge.  That did not get formed in a vacuum, my friends.  The thing that is so funny to me is that OJ and I thought that our oldest, Ariel, had a strong will.  Little did we know that Judah David would come along and make it seem like parenting her had been equivalent to feeding a goldfish.  Our little lion cub, Judah, came out and ROARED.  We weren’t totally taken by surprise.  I still remember the prayer time before he was born where we asked for his original design.   Here are a few things we heard:

1. Forceful leader of leaders

2. Drawn to power so keep his way pure.

3. Extremely driven to achieve.

4. Man of authority with a hero’s heart, hatred of injustice.

5. Prankster

So, we were in love with him from the get-go.  Which is good, because we had no idea what we were in for.   Judah began to make his force known from a very early age.  So began our journey to learn how to train our son to bring his force into submission.

¹ Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. ² Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves.  Rom. 13:1-2

I read an article today about the vacuum of authority in the devastated nation of Haiti.  It was filled with fear at the possibilities of what might arise to fill it.  It struck me that even secular journalists recognize this, that where the governing authorities cannot or do not take their role, something illegitimate will rise up to fill the void.  This is human nature.  It clamors for control.  The same is true in the home.  Our little ones, in their sinful natures, will clamor for control.  They will desire to be in charge, and for their wills to rule.  Granted, not all to the same degree, some are stronger than others.  But no one doesn’t have a will.

But authority is established by God.  He does not hate authority, consider it mean and bad, or apologize for it.  Rebellion and self-rule always bring death.  He tells us to be saved from this by confessing He is Lord, i.e. receiving His rulership and the authority of His voice in our lives.  His leadership in our lives actually sets us free from our slavery to sin and the ruler of this world (Eph. 2:1-2).

In regards to the home He says this.  It’s very simple:  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Eph. 6:1  I like to refer to this seemingly simple revelation as: PEACE, THE NEW NORMAL.  We say to the kids all the time, “When we have obedient hearts, we have happy hearts.”  It’s true.  It’s Biblical.  It’s what God has ordained.  Our children, as long as they are in control, are in bondage to the dictates of their will (you’ve learned about the horrors of this from Proverbs), and are implacable, unthankful, and unhappy.  And mom and dad are exhausted and tense, and the home is burdensome.  This is not from God, but I have found that the deceptions the world lives in have crept so far into the church, that Christian parents think that this is normal life.  It is not.  Normal life in Christ is peaceful, obedient children.

I don’t say the above from a place of naivete, or thinking that this happens with a snap of the fingers.  Nothing about parenting Judah has been easy.  Maybe some folks don’t struggle too much to achieve this in their homes.  God bless them!  I have noticed that they often come from lines of many generations of faithful believers, and are themselves living set apart, holy lives.  They give the rest of us hope of what we can hand to our kids!  But for those of us who have to battle, FAITH is the first tool I want to urge parents to take hold of.

We must start with a simple, adamant belief that every word of scripture is true.  I know, we think we already do that.  But do we?  Do we BELIEVE that our children should obey us…that this is right? Mommies in particular are barraged all day with so much insecurity, guilt and failure, the truth is that often time we feel about as shaky as a reed out there in the wind of our children’s wills, until we finally well up in so much frustration that we exert our authority if a fit of rage.  Which, of course, heaps on a double helping of guilt and failure.  We try and try to stop getting angry, but are missing the root problem.

Have we really BELIEVED the Lord, who commands that it is RIGHT for our children to obey us.  We think we are supposed to be such saints and angels that as little Johnny screams at us that he doesn’t want to wear the third pair of pants either, he wants to wear his dino pj bottoms, that we lovingly keep our patient, loving expression and look for his pj bottoms.  Or maybe Johnny doesn’t scream, maybe he cries and cries because he’s so sad.  Or maybe he hides.  Whatever flavor his disobedience is, Momma, you might not be struggling with anger because you’re a freak.  It might be that you have not really BELIEVED that it is RIGHT for little Johnny to obey you the first time, with joy.  There are lies we can live in that cause our children live in bondage to their wills (and so will we):

Lie 1:  Authority is bad, and good people don’t need it.

Lie 2:  I am not a good enough person or parent to walk in my authority.  I have disqualified myself, or need to earn that right.

Lie 3:  Authority = control and domination.  It crushes those underneath it.

This is why faith is the first tool.  We must BELIEVE the Word and act on it.  What does the Word say?

1.  See Rom. 13:1,2 above.

2.  You have been appointed by God.  You can never earn your authority as a parent.  It does not come from you or anything you do.  It comes from God.  Your children don’t obey you because you’re good enough, but because “this is right.”  And it will deliver their souls from rebellion (which is death).

3. Control and domination = control and domination.  Authority is NOT control and domination.  True authority is strong like an oak of righteousness, providing security, strength, and structure for those it nourishes and protects.

Do I believe that God has appointed me as the authority in my child’s life?  If yes, then I can trust that the power of God will back me up as I bring our children into obedience.  We are not on our own, using the tools of our flesh.  This is where the Mommy mantra “I’m not afraid of you” came from.  When Judah made his force known, it shook me.  It was so much easier to bend to his will than to fight to retain my authority.  I had to face the scriptures, place my trust in God, and plant my feet in His word.  I got down close to my little buddy’s face, matched his intensity eyeball to eyeball, and using simple words without anger communicated this, “God put me in charge, not you.  I don’t know how long it will take for me to win this battle, but I will win it.  I have time for this.  I am not afraid of you.”  And then I stayed there, until he came into obedience.  I don’t mean down there on the floor, I mean in that stance of commitment:  taking the time to stay home, dedicate my time to consistent discipline, and be firm in my love and authority, until he got it.  But guess what?  Once it’s done, you move into maintenance mode!  Once they’re brought into obedience, you begin to harvest that “…peaceable fruit of righteousness.”  Life gets fun again!

Hebrews 12:11
Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

But the whole thing starts with Mom and Dad BELIEVING the Word of God and sending out the bulletin to the troops.  Announcement!!!  THIS is our new NORMAL:  You guys are going to obey cheerfully, the first time.  Mom and Dad live HEARING the Word of the Lord and OBEYING it, and you guys live HEARING our words, and obeying them!  WELCOME to our peaceful new home!   :)  Then…Heb. 12:11.  Watch God work when you believe His Word!

Tomorrow:  a little more faith, a lot more hope

BIG THANKS to my Dad, who taught me to believe the Word, every time, all the time.  We thank God for you!

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

This post could also be called, “Why fear is a big jerk that we should kick out of our houses.”  Here’s the amplified version of 1 Jn. 4:18:

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection].

I have found a funny conundrum in talking about the things of God, particularly to Christian women.  I have found that when you talk straight about God’s righteousness and His standards, a few get offended, pretty sure that they know God from down the street, and He’s waaaaay more laid back than the Bible makes Him out to be.  But not most.  Many women want so much (with all their hearts) to please God, that when you start to talk about His righteousness, you can almost see the icy fingers gripping them…fear, with the thought of punishment. I am so familiar with those icy fingers myself.  “I was totally not super kind to the checkout lady.  Have I failed God?”  Add kiddos into the striving perfectionist’s mix and, whoa, things just get CRAAAZZZZZZZYYYYY!  It’s a wild rollercoaster of trying and failing and trying and failing, and no wonder we just weep at Hallmark commercials by the time we’re 45!!!  Basketcases!

Today was a basketcase kind of day.  For me, those are mostly internal, but, of course, my highly prophetic and sensitive five year old gives me the run down.  “Well, Momma, I don’t think you need to be so unhappy about that, because I was just trying to explain something and so you don’t need to be so angry!  I’m starting to cry because of your hard voice!”  This is after a scathing comment like, “Darling, Momma wants to you be quiet right now, okay?” But, of course, she’s right.  I was angry.  And she is crying.  Cannot wriggle out of it, totally called out, errghhhhhh…  And the fever pitch of failure just gets me wound tighter and tighter…

Until I remember that I serve God, who manifested Himself perfectly in Jesus Christ, who loved me to death when I was His enemy.  And He reminds me that He is the kind of Father who will give me as much as I want, rather than as much as I deserve.  “Mercy?  How much do you want, Suzanna?  Redemption for the last 54 failures with the kids?  Just the last 54?  How about we make that…beauty for ashes?  There, that’s about right!  Would you also like to exchange the spirit of heaviness you’re chilling with for the much more complimentary garment of praise, and the oil of joy for your mourning?  Good.  just ask.  You have not because you ask not!”

Wait a minute, Lord, where’s the punishment?

God is love.  This love revelation revolutionizes me and my parenting.  He IS love, He hates fear, and He has no desire to punish.  Me or anyone else.  Why does Jesus tell us to seek His righteousness?  Because we don’t already have it.  When we find out about God’s holiness and perfection, it is astonishing and blinding in its brightness.  Mere angels cause men to quiver on the floor, and God is far beyond that.  Our guilty hearts can only have one knee-jerk reaction:  He ought to punish me.  Whatever the pearl of wisdom and revelation God offers us (especially women), fear offers us this counterfeit to eating the truth and being full:  He ought to punish me. And He ought!  But our hearts are the ones that love the “oughts,” His heart LOVES MERCY.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  Is. 30:18a

So how does this apply to parenting?  The idea of punishment goes so deep in us, it’s an astonishing thought to try to understand the system without it.  How does Father God deal with my consistent, persistent failure and falling short?  This is what we must understand to parent our kids:  it’s training and correction, training and correction, training and correction.  No punishment.  He DOES NOT MIND CORRECTING  us!  All that punishment of which I am so worthy, all of it, paid by His perfect Son, the spotless lamb.

For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  Jas. 1:20.

I have noticed as a parent that anger and punishment produce fear-based striving and failure (or rebellion) in the kiddos, but not true breakthrough. So 1 Jn. 4 helps me to understand there is a completely different parenting system at work in Christ.  Remember yesterday’s foray into Proverbs?  One of the most marked things that marks the fool is his hatred of correction.  So it seems the wise man is not the one who does it all well, he’s the one who readily receives correction, again and again.  So…God’s not seeking perfection from me?  And He doesn’t want to punish me?  But these are the FOUNDATIONS of human parenting, apart from God!  Aren’t we trying to get them to do what’s right, after all?  No, God’s system for His kids is utterly OTHER, it is love-based, it is mercy-based, it assumes that the just requirements for punishment have been taken care of at the cross.

God’s parenting is always for good fruit.  Punishment, condemnation, and feeling like a failure are not good fruit.  These things are never the work of the Lord in our lives.  We can, as parents in Christ, replace the system of Setting the Standard, Pushing for Achievement, and Punishing Failure with a new system.  The mercy system:  Introducing Righteousness to a Sinner (Teaching), Training him or her in it (Demonstrating and Coaching), and Correcting resistance to it (Discipline).  So instead of being shocked and horrified that the little ones are programmed to steal from their siblings, yell for what they want, and demand the biggest, best, first, we understand (like the FAther) that this is how sinners are.  We expect sin from them, and consider it our job to train them in what is foreign to their self-oriented selves:  righteousness.

I make it sound so easy, I know.  But here’s what does get way, way simplified, especially in those early wet cement years.  What do I correct for (in other words, if everything’s training, at what point am I using discipline?).  For rebellion!  For that Proverb-ial foolishness:  the hatred of instruction, correction, and authority.  Here’s the deal, from God to us who are in Christ and from us as parents to our children:  “In my mercy, I will overlook your utter lack of righteousness and at total cost to myself, I will introduce you to it and patiently instruct you in it.  But in order for this to work, you must LISTEN AND OBEY.”  And so to save the young soul, and preserve the open ears so that righteousness can be taught, rebellion is THE zero tolerance issue, whether it be in the form of not listening or the form of not obeying.  This is what we discipline for, very, very firmly and unhesitatingly.  Here is one not to miss:

Proverbs 23:13
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

So our parenting, like God’s, is out of love, not to form fear of punishment, but resting on Jesus’ payment for us as believers.  Training and correction unto fruitfulness.  What good news…there is no fear in love!!!  Hallelujah!!!

Tomorrow:  the tool of faith

People often ask for advice on good parenting books.  I love this.  Parenting books are a great idea, once you have read the ultimate parenting book, smack dab in the middle of your Bible.  Proverbs is absolutely THE parenting book.  In fact, almost every one of the first seven chapters begins the same, “My son…listen to my words…”  Sound familiar?  Hey, that’s what I say all day, too!  If you are trying to parent without deep intake from the book of Proverbs, then I have to tell you…I really do…don’t be mad…You are like a man who skipped all of his brain classes at med school and went straight into the operating room, wielding a scalpel.  “Hey, nurse, what’s this grey stuff called?”  Proverbs explains our two possible outcomes for post-parental production (I.E. what kind of people the little people will become):  the fool or the wise.  The word “fool” is mentioned about a hundred times, describing the fool’s patterns, pleasures, and destruction.  I will not try to break it down here, because every word of it is crucial, but I’ll set the stage with these two verses:

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child… Prov.  22:15a

…fools die for lack of wisdom.  Prov. 10:21b

Just about all parents look a little war-torn at times, so it’s no great revelation that there’s a battle going on.  But I’ve noticed that Christians often aren’t clear about what the battle really is over.  Is it really over the veggie strike or the bedwetting or the grocery store fits or the booger-picking?  When those developmental hurdles are past, will the storm have blown over?  Are we just living from crisis to crisis, trying to react in a “Christlike” manner?  Is holding it together enough?  The Bible clearly says “NO.”  Another verse:

For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them.  Prov. 1:32

Christian parents cannot afford “the complacency of fools.”  As we get to know the Lord better, we find that the darkness is even darker than we ever realized, and the light even brighter.  They never cancel each other out into a dull, neutral gray.  Only religion does that.  Anyway, yesterday’s brightness of joy and delight is absolutely true and right.  But today’s message is about the backdrop, the darkness against which we must raise our little lights to shine…THE WAR.

Here are the three battle fronts for our little ones, as I see it.  We have to be sober and vigilant on all three.

1. The Enemy Eph. 6:12

2. The World 1 Jn. 2:15

3. The Will Deut. 30:9-11, Jn. 14:15, the whole Bible…etc.

Okay, there are volumes that could be and have been written on all these things.  I am going to skip all the eloquent philosophizing, and join this wise father of Proverbs, who teaches me to be so urgent, even from the very beginning, and pull him into a real life scenario that highlights the three battle fronts…

In the first nine chapters of Proverbs, this is wise and urgent father is dropping pearls of wisdom left and right, speaking to his son, but there’s one thing he comes back to over and again.  If I had a personal assistant I’d have an exact number of these passages for you, but it’s revisited at least in every chapter.  He is urgent to raise a son who never falls for the seduction of the immoral woman.  I’m picking this particular character issue because it so greatly highlights my three battle fronts.

Have you thought about this?  Do you have a son?  I have two: a three year old and a one year old.  You bet I have cried out to God for their purity.  Because HOW ON THIS EARTH can we raise our sons to be pure?  How?  This will require some severe wisdom.  But there hasn’t been much wisdom in the church, and it’s easy to see how foolish complacency has killed the church’s sons.  If we believe the time to consider this is prom night, we need to print Prov. 1:32 right up and paste it to the bathroom mirror.  The question is not, “At what point do I teach my son not to have premarital/extramarital sex?”  The question is, “How do I raise a man who fears the Lord and hates evil? (Prov. 1:7, 8:13).  The time to think about it is when the father in Proverbs is thinking about it:  at all times.

1. The enemy:  do you know at what age the average young man first sees a pornographic image?  Do you know how crafty the enemy is to present these to our sons and brothers?  Do you know how strong the hold of immorality and perversion is on our young people?  The father in Proverbs is very aware.  He describes accurately the schemes the seducer (which ultimately is a spirit) will lay out for his son, 2 Cor 2:11.

2. The world:  a prostitute/seductress is a woman who displays and uses her sexuality for gain.  By this definition, how many actresses prostitute themselves in a typical hour of prime-time television?  How many models prostituting themselves in a typical magazine?  The father in Proverbs begs his son over and over not to even go near her house.  Is your TV on?  How many seductresses did you invite into your home last week to meet your son?  Think he’ll survive?  Sorry to be blunt…oh, actually, I’m not sorry.  Jas. 4:4

3.  The will:  the wise father of Proverbs knows that he cannot hide his son from evil or give him enough rules to keep him out of trouble.  He knows this will not work, because the most difficult enemy his son will face is his own will.  The “fool” he describes what the New Testament refers to as the “flesh nature.”  It’s in his son’s self.  He knows that his son needs revelation, not rules.  He needs to LOVE RIGHTEOUSNESS and HATE EVIL.  He needs to have his will in subjection.  So the wise father uses his urgent teaching and discipline to bring his tender young son into subjection to his own voice, knowing that if his son learns to subject his will to his father’s and mother’s voice, when he is older, his will will be under his control.  Instead of his desires ruling him, he will rule over his desires.

My point is not the sexual sin; it is the battle fronts.  We must plant righteousness so deep, so deep, so deep in the hearts of our children, that the enemy, the world, and their own will cannot twist and pervert the path to wisdom that we have set their feet on.  Deuteronomy 6 describes such a vigilance of teaching, and Proverbs 4 tells us when to start:

³ When I was a boy in my father’s house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,

⁴ he taught me and said,
“Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live…”

Start now.  With your toddler.  He doesn’t know about the immoral woman, and he doesn’t need to.  But he does need to know that IF HE KEEPS YOUR COMMANDS, HE WILL LIVE. He (or she) needs to know that his will is subject to your voice.  That his desires are not in charge.  It truly is a matter of life or death.  Many Christians have revelation in their parenting of the battle with the enemy, but are compromised with the world, and unaware of the need to bring their children into obedience to save their souls…from themselves.

The end of the story is this:  If we win on battle front #3, #2 and #1 are done for.  They don’t stand a chance.  If we can bring our children’s will into subjection first to our voices then to the Lord’s voice, the world will hold no appeal, and the devil won’t hold a candle.  This, I believe, is what the wise father of Proverbs knew.

So I know that today was supposed to be the follow up to scary suspense of yesterday, but I find myself redirected for the moment.  Something else has to come before that message.  It is this key, important, highly profound secret to childrearing…captured in three words…

YOU DELIGHT ME.

You delight me!  This is the foundation for our relationship to our kids!  I know, I know, it sounds simple.  But let’s break it down a little.

Firstly, have you thought today (I’m just gonna speak mom to mom here) about how the Lord feels about the job you’re doing?  Have you considered His high praise for you today?  Consider these verses in your immediate context, Momma:

¹³ Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.  Jn 15:13

¹¹The greatest among you will be your servant. Mat 23:11

¹⁷ The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” Jn. 21:17

He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, And carry them in His bosom, And gently lead those who are with young.  Is. 40:11

I could go on and on, but those are the first verses that spring to mind.  In other words, I can’t think of a job on the planet that more acutely represents the heart condition in which our Lord delights in than mothering.  Fathering, too, but I’ve found fathering is a little more optional.  Fathers get to choose whether they will take up this most holy occupation of laying down one’s life to nourish little sheep, but mothers get a crash course whether or not they want to.  You gotta get up in the middle of the night and you gotta feed that baby and you gotta change those diapers, and no infant ever lived through their first six weeks without some woman, in some fashion, laying down her life.  FAST-TRACK TO HOLINESS, right there in the cradle.  IF, she will do two things:

1) BELIEVE that the Lord delights in her utterly unrecognized, utterly unseen service/death to self.

2) Turn and delight in the little one she’s been given, as the Lord delights in her.

The preschool years are the wet cement years.  I’ll talk more about this later, but these years are the OPPORTUNITY to pour the cement into God’s mold.  Later, you’ve got to break setting rock to mold into God’s design, if they weren’t properly set to begin with.  These years are SHORT AND GOLDEN!!!  They are the time to settle in your child’s heart, for all eternity, this truth:  YOU DELIGHT ME.

It’s simple, but it means everything.  Let’s get practical.

1.  Physical-C:  (this is what OJ and I called it when we were dating).  Parenting is a high contact sport.  The more touching, the better, especially in these tender early years.  When we accustom our hands to reach out for touches, tickles, hugs, and kisses at every available opportunity, we settle it in our kids’ heart.  We tell them they delight us.

2.  I have time for you: This is so important.  Frantic, schedule-crazy momma with her list and agenda does not know it, but she can so easily trade in the greater for the lesser.  These years are SHORT!!!  The Lord does not set up days that do not have time in them for what He’s given us to do!  What He has authorized, He will provide for.  If there’s not enough time for the little one’s hearts to be at peace, then Mom and Dad need to hit their knees and ask what needs to go.  If it’s not eternal, it probably needs to go!  Aren’t you glad that we have been set free from the world’s standards of what should fill our lives?  Because Jesus did this:

“…having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.”  Col. 2:14

What handwriting of requirements are you allowing to steal from your children as your priority, Momma?  Is it Martha Stewart’s?  Your in-law’s?  Is it academic?  Whatever it is, chuck it!  This is supposed to be FUN!!!!  Our kiddos LOVE to LOVE us, and they are desperate to be delighted in.  This is supposed to be super fun!  Get up and do a little dance…this may be the only time in your life you have an audience that is actually impressed!  Maybe it’s financial burdens, and you have to work.  Maybe you live in the dread of losing your identity or significance in becoming “just a housewife.”  Do I have a story for you!  That’ll have to wait for another day.  Suffice it to say:  Jesus has the answer, and He has time for YOU!

3) Use your mouth like the power tool that it is: These are some of my favorite phrases.  “You are the one that Momma loves.”  (Kiss, kiss, kiss).  “You are my favorite girl.”  (Hug, hug)  “I like you so much.”  (tickle)  “You make Momma SO HAPPY!!!”  (tackle!)  Your mouth will determine who this little one becomes.  Think about it!  What do you remember your parents saying to you frequently?  Have you noticed that your identity battles directly corellate with what was or was not said to you?

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.  Ps 18:21  Speak LIFE into your children daily!

Okay, I could go on forever, but, Momma, my heart is just bursting to tell you to RISE up!!!  The enemy tells you all day that you are exhausted, futile, failing, and wasting yourself.  But the truth is, you have never touched on a more powerful role than this one!!!  This is ETERNAL! You are the one to set the cement and aim the arrow!  And it all happens in the context of joy and delight…God delights in you and you delight in your little one.  I will talk more about discipline and the war with the enemy later, but how can we discipline if we don’t keep our little one’s love cups full?  And how can we war unless we are familiar with God’s weapons (faith, hope, and love)?

To sum it all up, here’s my Mommy mantra:

1. I like you.

2. I love you.

3. I’m not afraid of you.

4. I’m in charge.

Today, I talked about number one.  Tomorrow…why it’s such a battle!

Boy, there’s just not a lot of time in this daily thing to polish it up…hope you don’t mind the unfashionable form with lots of caps and italics! 

This blog has long been a mix of ministry, personal updates, and thoughts, so you all probably won’t be surprised by this, but OJ has challenged me (Suz) to write a 7 day blog series on parenting.  This is a little intimidating A) because I have children and B) because I am a parent.

A) With a 5, 3, and 1 year old, is it possible to write 7 days in a row???  I guess we shall find out.

B) You know the day you try to share “parenting wisdom” is gonna be the day your children poop their pants, throw public tantrums, and bite someone else’s child.  There is truly nothing as humbling as marriage and parenting, but since I’m in good company when I boast in my weakness (2 Cor 11:30), I guess I’ll give it a go…

Starting at the Beginning…

Like anything else that is a long-term project, parenting is a mess unless the goals or target is always within sights.  The arrow has a long way to go before it hits the bull’s eye, but it all starts with identifying the target.  So when you picked their eye color, determined their height, and chose their IQ, what did you have in mind?  Oh, right.  We didn’t do that.  Because they’re not really ours.  They’re His.  So what’s His goal?  Here’s what Mal. 2:15 says in regards to you and me, i.e. “Mom” and “Dad.”

¹⁵ Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his.^[a] And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. (emphasis mine)

Our kids are really His kids.  This is a word that is incredibly heavy, because it means (yes, it REALLY, REALLY does mean this) that we will stand before the Great White Throne and answer for whether or not we shot our little arrows at God’s target.  It is also incredibly freeing, because God always provides all the resources needed for what He’s ordained.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again.  He may not have ordained our job choices, career, our ministry choices, our geographic location, etc.  That all depends on how much our lives are submitted to Him.  HOWEVER, the raising of Godly kids is FOR SURE at all times ordained by God and under His provision, if we will take hold of it.  He is FOR our marriages (once married) and FOR our children.  He will provide everything needed for this task, because it is what He’s ordained and what He’s seeking:  Godly children.

Mal. 2:15 is a treasure trove in that it points us to the very, very first starting point for raising godly kids, which is the marriage.  But that is a whole different blog series, so I’ll move on the my original point.

Setting our Sights…

Godly children (or “offspring” in other translations) can be given this NT translation:  disciples.  God is seeking for us to make disciples of our children, whole-hearted followers of Jesus.  What incredible, beautiful vision!  What a lifetime achievement!  What hope and glory!  There is nothing optional about this!  This is why He knit these little people together…He is seeking to hold them close to Himself for all eternity!  How ludicrous to parent toward  polite behavior, academic or athletic achievement, or financial stability, when we have instead this glorious target, to make disciples who bear the image of the Beautiful One?  That’s what we got saved from, wasting our lives on that which is nothing in eternity.  All those other things are things that “…the heathen chase after…,” but “…will be added unto you…” when you seek first the kingdom of God and its righteousness.  Mat. 6:31-34.

So what’s at the heart of being a disciple?  It’s very simple; it is submission.  This is the target we are aiming for, to present to the Lord children who are submitted to Him (this is, after all, what it means to call Him “Lord” Rom. 10:9).  This is a goal even better than obedience.  Immature, insecure, fearful people can obey, but it is the volitional response of a mature person of dignity to submit.  To obey is to do what someone wants, to submit is to want what another wants.  It is a bending of one’s will and relinquishment of agenda out of honor and love; it is beautiful and powerful.  It is Jesus’ posture toward His Father as described in Phil. 2.  This is why the Bible tells children to obey, but wives to submit.  We are, after all, preparing our children to be the Bride of Christ.  We aim the arrow by bringing them into obedience (honestly, that’s hard enough, eh?), but the target we are eyeing is that they would mature into lovers of Jesus, sharing His desires and acting on them at all times.

So what does this mean?  And why is it so doggone difficult?  It means war.  Or didn’t you know that the devil is roaming about like a lion, seeking whom (which of your children) he may devour (1Pet. 5:8)?  If you didn’t know, I hope I just scared you real good.  Because if you have children and don’t know you’re in a war to the death over their souls, there is no time to waste.

Tomorrow:  understanding the battle.

Well, hopefully tomorrow!