I am sure most of you out there have sweet little lambs who respond instantly to your softest inflection, and so you won’t be able to relate to finding yourself exhausted at the end of the day with your toddler, wondering how someone who cannot even form sentences could effectively accomplish a coup d’etat, wrestling control from my college educated, doctrinally correct, upright citizen of a self.  I am probably the only one, but just in case anyone else out there can relate…this one’s for you.

You might remember the last two pieces of my mommy mantra were:  I am not afraid of you, and I am in charge.  That did not get formed in a vacuum, my friends.  The thing that is so funny to me is that OJ and I thought that our oldest, Ariel, had a strong will.  Little did we know that Judah David would come along and make it seem like parenting her had been equivalent to feeding a goldfish.  Our little lion cub, Judah, came out and ROARED.  We weren’t totally taken by surprise.  I still remember the prayer time before he was born where we asked for his original design.   Here are a few things we heard:

1. Forceful leader of leaders

2. Drawn to power so keep his way pure.

3. Extremely driven to achieve.

4. Man of authority with a hero’s heart, hatred of injustice.

5. Prankster

So, we were in love with him from the get-go.  Which is good, because we had no idea what we were in for.   Judah began to make his force known from a very early age.  So began our journey to learn how to train our son to bring his force into submission.

¹ Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. ² Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves.  Rom. 13:1-2

I read an article today about the vacuum of authority in the devastated nation of Haiti.  It was filled with fear at the possibilities of what might arise to fill it.  It struck me that even secular journalists recognize this, that where the governing authorities cannot or do not take their role, something illegitimate will rise up to fill the void.  This is human nature.  It clamors for control.  The same is true in the home.  Our little ones, in their sinful natures, will clamor for control.  They will desire to be in charge, and for their wills to rule.  Granted, not all to the same degree, some are stronger than others.  But no one doesn’t have a will.

But authority is established by God.  He does not hate authority, consider it mean and bad, or apologize for it.  Rebellion and self-rule always bring death.  He tells us to be saved from this by confessing He is Lord, i.e. receiving His rulership and the authority of His voice in our lives.  His leadership in our lives actually sets us free from our slavery to sin and the ruler of this world (Eph. 2:1-2).

In regards to the home He says this.  It’s very simple:  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Eph. 6:1  I like to refer to this seemingly simple revelation as: PEACE, THE NEW NORMAL.  We say to the kids all the time, “When we have obedient hearts, we have happy hearts.”  It’s true.  It’s Biblical.  It’s what God has ordained.  Our children, as long as they are in control, are in bondage to the dictates of their will (you’ve learned about the horrors of this from Proverbs), and are implacable, unthankful, and unhappy.  And mom and dad are exhausted and tense, and the home is burdensome.  This is not from God, but I have found that the deceptions the world lives in have crept so far into the church, that Christian parents think that this is normal life.  It is not.  Normal life in Christ is peaceful, obedient children.

I don’t say the above from a place of naivete, or thinking that this happens with a snap of the fingers.  Nothing about parenting Judah has been easy.  Maybe some folks don’t struggle too much to achieve this in their homes.  God bless them!  I have noticed that they often come from lines of many generations of faithful believers, and are themselves living set apart, holy lives.  They give the rest of us hope of what we can hand to our kids!  But for those of us who have to battle, FAITH is the first tool I want to urge parents to take hold of.

We must start with a simple, adamant belief that every word of scripture is true.  I know, we think we already do that.  But do we?  Do we BELIEVE that our children should obey us…that this is right? Mommies in particular are barraged all day with so much insecurity, guilt and failure, the truth is that often time we feel about as shaky as a reed out there in the wind of our children’s wills, until we finally well up in so much frustration that we exert our authority if a fit of rage.  Which, of course, heaps on a double helping of guilt and failure.  We try and try to stop getting angry, but are missing the root problem.

Have we really BELIEVED the Lord, who commands that it is RIGHT for our children to obey us.  We think we are supposed to be such saints and angels that as little Johnny screams at us that he doesn’t want to wear the third pair of pants either, he wants to wear his dino pj bottoms, that we lovingly keep our patient, loving expression and look for his pj bottoms.  Or maybe Johnny doesn’t scream, maybe he cries and cries because he’s so sad.  Or maybe he hides.  Whatever flavor his disobedience is, Momma, you might not be struggling with anger because you’re a freak.  It might be that you have not really BELIEVED that it is RIGHT for little Johnny to obey you the first time, with joy.  There are lies we can live in that cause our children live in bondage to their wills (and so will we):

Lie 1:  Authority is bad, and good people don’t need it.

Lie 2:  I am not a good enough person or parent to walk in my authority.  I have disqualified myself, or need to earn that right.

Lie 3:  Authority = control and domination.  It crushes those underneath it.

This is why faith is the first tool.  We must BELIEVE the Word and act on it.  What does the Word say?

1.  See Rom. 13:1,2 above.

2.  You have been appointed by God.  You can never earn your authority as a parent.  It does not come from you or anything you do.  It comes from God.  Your children don’t obey you because you’re good enough, but because “this is right.”  And it will deliver their souls from rebellion (which is death).

3. Control and domination = control and domination.  Authority is NOT control and domination.  True authority is strong like an oak of righteousness, providing security, strength, and structure for those it nourishes and protects.

Do I believe that God has appointed me as the authority in my child’s life?  If yes, then I can trust that the power of God will back me up as I bring our children into obedience.  We are not on our own, using the tools of our flesh.  This is where the Mommy mantra “I’m not afraid of you” came from.  When Judah made his force known, it shook me.  It was so much easier to bend to his will than to fight to retain my authority.  I had to face the scriptures, place my trust in God, and plant my feet in His word.  I got down close to my little buddy’s face, matched his intensity eyeball to eyeball, and using simple words without anger communicated this, “God put me in charge, not you.  I don’t know how long it will take for me to win this battle, but I will win it.  I have time for this.  I am not afraid of you.”  And then I stayed there, until he came into obedience.  I don’t mean down there on the floor, I mean in that stance of commitment:  taking the time to stay home, dedicate my time to consistent discipline, and be firm in my love and authority, until he got it.  But guess what?  Once it’s done, you move into maintenance mode!  Once they’re brought into obedience, you begin to harvest that “…peaceable fruit of righteousness.”  Life gets fun again!

Hebrews 12:11
Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

But the whole thing starts with Mom and Dad BELIEVING the Word of God and sending out the bulletin to the troops.  Announcement!!!  THIS is our new NORMAL:  You guys are going to obey cheerfully, the first time.  Mom and Dad live HEARING the Word of the Lord and OBEYING it, and you guys live HEARING our words, and obeying them!  WELCOME to our peaceful new home!   :)  Then…Heb. 12:11.  Watch God work when you believe His Word!

Tomorrow:  a little more faith, a lot more hope

BIG THANKS to my Dad, who taught me to believe the Word, every time, all the time.  We thank God for you!

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

This post could also be called, “Why fear is a big jerk that we should kick out of our houses.”  Here’s the amplified version of 1 Jn. 4:18:

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection].

I have found a funny conundrum in talking about the things of God, particularly to Christian women.  I have found that when you talk straight about God’s righteousness and His standards, a few get offended, pretty sure that they know God from down the street, and He’s waaaaay more laid back than the Bible makes Him out to be.  But not most.  Many women want so much (with all their hearts) to please God, that when you start to talk about His righteousness, you can almost see the icy fingers gripping them…fear, with the thought of punishment. I am so familiar with those icy fingers myself.  “I was totally not super kind to the checkout lady.  Have I failed God?”  Add kiddos into the striving perfectionist’s mix and, whoa, things just get CRAAAZZZZZZZYYYYY!  It’s a wild rollercoaster of trying and failing and trying and failing, and no wonder we just weep at Hallmark commercials by the time we’re 45!!!  Basketcases!

Today was a basketcase kind of day.  For me, those are mostly internal, but, of course, my highly prophetic and sensitive five year old gives me the run down.  “Well, Momma, I don’t think you need to be so unhappy about that, because I was just trying to explain something and so you don’t need to be so angry!  I’m starting to cry because of your hard voice!”  This is after a scathing comment like, “Darling, Momma wants to you be quiet right now, okay?” But, of course, she’s right.  I was angry.  And she is crying.  Cannot wriggle out of it, totally called out, errghhhhhh…  And the fever pitch of failure just gets me wound tighter and tighter…

Until I remember that I serve God, who manifested Himself perfectly in Jesus Christ, who loved me to death when I was His enemy.  And He reminds me that He is the kind of Father who will give me as much as I want, rather than as much as I deserve.  “Mercy?  How much do you want, Suzanna?  Redemption for the last 54 failures with the kids?  Just the last 54?  How about we make that…beauty for ashes?  There, that’s about right!  Would you also like to exchange the spirit of heaviness you’re chilling with for the much more complimentary garment of praise, and the oil of joy for your mourning?  Good.  just ask.  You have not because you ask not!”

Wait a minute, Lord, where’s the punishment?

God is love.  This love revelation revolutionizes me and my parenting.  He IS love, He hates fear, and He has no desire to punish.  Me or anyone else.  Why does Jesus tell us to seek His righteousness?  Because we don’t already have it.  When we find out about God’s holiness and perfection, it is astonishing and blinding in its brightness.  Mere angels cause men to quiver on the floor, and God is far beyond that.  Our guilty hearts can only have one knee-jerk reaction:  He ought to punish me.  Whatever the pearl of wisdom and revelation God offers us (especially women), fear offers us this counterfeit to eating the truth and being full:  He ought to punish me. And He ought!  But our hearts are the ones that love the “oughts,” His heart LOVES MERCY.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  Is. 30:18a

So how does this apply to parenting?  The idea of punishment goes so deep in us, it’s an astonishing thought to try to understand the system without it.  How does Father God deal with my consistent, persistent failure and falling short?  This is what we must understand to parent our kids:  it’s training and correction, training and correction, training and correction.  No punishment.  He DOES NOT MIND CORRECTING  us!  All that punishment of which I am so worthy, all of it, paid by His perfect Son, the spotless lamb.

For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  Jas. 1:20.

I have noticed as a parent that anger and punishment produce fear-based striving and failure (or rebellion) in the kiddos, but not true breakthrough. So 1 Jn. 4 helps me to understand there is a completely different parenting system at work in Christ.  Remember yesterday’s foray into Proverbs?  One of the most marked things that marks the fool is his hatred of correction.  So it seems the wise man is not the one who does it all well, he’s the one who readily receives correction, again and again.  So…God’s not seeking perfection from me?  And He doesn’t want to punish me?  But these are the FOUNDATIONS of human parenting, apart from God!  Aren’t we trying to get them to do what’s right, after all?  No, God’s system for His kids is utterly OTHER, it is love-based, it is mercy-based, it assumes that the just requirements for punishment have been taken care of at the cross.

God’s parenting is always for good fruit.  Punishment, condemnation, and feeling like a failure are not good fruit.  These things are never the work of the Lord in our lives.  We can, as parents in Christ, replace the system of Setting the Standard, Pushing for Achievement, and Punishing Failure with a new system.  The mercy system:  Introducing Righteousness to a Sinner (Teaching), Training him or her in it (Demonstrating and Coaching), and Correcting resistance to it (Discipline).  So instead of being shocked and horrified that the little ones are programmed to steal from their siblings, yell for what they want, and demand the biggest, best, first, we understand (like the FAther) that this is how sinners are.  We expect sin from them, and consider it our job to train them in what is foreign to their self-oriented selves:  righteousness.

I make it sound so easy, I know.  But here’s what does get way, way simplified, especially in those early wet cement years.  What do I correct for (in other words, if everything’s training, at what point am I using discipline?).  For rebellion!  For that Proverb-ial foolishness:  the hatred of instruction, correction, and authority.  Here’s the deal, from God to us who are in Christ and from us as parents to our children:  “In my mercy, I will overlook your utter lack of righteousness and at total cost to myself, I will introduce you to it and patiently instruct you in it.  But in order for this to work, you must LISTEN AND OBEY.”  And so to save the young soul, and preserve the open ears so that righteousness can be taught, rebellion is THE zero tolerance issue, whether it be in the form of not listening or the form of not obeying.  This is what we discipline for, very, very firmly and unhesitatingly.  Here is one not to miss:

Proverbs 23:13
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

So our parenting, like God’s, is out of love, not to form fear of punishment, but resting on Jesus’ payment for us as believers.  Training and correction unto fruitfulness.  What good news…there is no fear in love!!!  Hallelujah!!!

Tomorrow:  the tool of faith

People often ask for advice on good parenting books.  I love this.  Parenting books are a great idea, once you have read the ultimate parenting book, smack dab in the middle of your Bible.  Proverbs is absolutely THE parenting book.  In fact, almost every one of the first seven chapters begins the same, “My son…listen to my words…”  Sound familiar?  Hey, that’s what I say all day, too!  If you are trying to parent without deep intake from the book of Proverbs, then I have to tell you…I really do…don’t be mad…You are like a man who skipped all of his brain classes at med school and went straight into the operating room, wielding a scalpel.  “Hey, nurse, what’s this grey stuff called?”  Proverbs explains our two possible outcomes for post-parental production (I.E. what kind of people the little people will become):  the fool or the wise.  The word “fool” is mentioned about a hundred times, describing the fool’s patterns, pleasures, and destruction.  I will not try to break it down here, because every word of it is crucial, but I’ll set the stage with these two verses:

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child… Prov.  22:15a

…fools die for lack of wisdom.  Prov. 10:21b

Just about all parents look a little war-torn at times, so it’s no great revelation that there’s a battle going on.  But I’ve noticed that Christians often aren’t clear about what the battle really is over.  Is it really over the veggie strike or the bedwetting or the grocery store fits or the booger-picking?  When those developmental hurdles are past, will the storm have blown over?  Are we just living from crisis to crisis, trying to react in a “Christlike” manner?  Is holding it together enough?  The Bible clearly says “NO.”  Another verse:

For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them.  Prov. 1:32

Christian parents cannot afford “the complacency of fools.”  As we get to know the Lord better, we find that the darkness is even darker than we ever realized, and the light even brighter.  They never cancel each other out into a dull, neutral gray.  Only religion does that.  Anyway, yesterday’s brightness of joy and delight is absolutely true and right.  But today’s message is about the backdrop, the darkness against which we must raise our little lights to shine…THE WAR.

Here are the three battle fronts for our little ones, as I see it.  We have to be sober and vigilant on all three.

1. The Enemy Eph. 6:12

2. The World 1 Jn. 2:15

3. The Will Deut. 30:9-11, Jn. 14:15, the whole Bible…etc.

Okay, there are volumes that could be and have been written on all these things.  I am going to skip all the eloquent philosophizing, and join this wise father of Proverbs, who teaches me to be so urgent, even from the very beginning, and pull him into a real life scenario that highlights the three battle fronts…

In the first nine chapters of Proverbs, this is wise and urgent father is dropping pearls of wisdom left and right, speaking to his son, but there’s one thing he comes back to over and again.  If I had a personal assistant I’d have an exact number of these passages for you, but it’s revisited at least in every chapter.  He is urgent to raise a son who never falls for the seduction of the immoral woman.  I’m picking this particular character issue because it so greatly highlights my three battle fronts.

Have you thought about this?  Do you have a son?  I have two: a three year old and a one year old.  You bet I have cried out to God for their purity.  Because HOW ON THIS EARTH can we raise our sons to be pure?  How?  This will require some severe wisdom.  But there hasn’t been much wisdom in the church, and it’s easy to see how foolish complacency has killed the church’s sons.  If we believe the time to consider this is prom night, we need to print Prov. 1:32 right up and paste it to the bathroom mirror.  The question is not, “At what point do I teach my son not to have premarital/extramarital sex?”  The question is, “How do I raise a man who fears the Lord and hates evil? (Prov. 1:7, 8:13).  The time to think about it is when the father in Proverbs is thinking about it:  at all times.

1. The enemy:  do you know at what age the average young man first sees a pornographic image?  Do you know how crafty the enemy is to present these to our sons and brothers?  Do you know how strong the hold of immorality and perversion is on our young people?  The father in Proverbs is very aware.  He describes accurately the schemes the seducer (which ultimately is a spirit) will lay out for his son, 2 Cor 2:11.

2. The world:  a prostitute/seductress is a woman who displays and uses her sexuality for gain.  By this definition, how many actresses prostitute themselves in a typical hour of prime-time television?  How many models prostituting themselves in a typical magazine?  The father in Proverbs begs his son over and over not to even go near her house.  Is your TV on?  How many seductresses did you invite into your home last week to meet your son?  Think he’ll survive?  Sorry to be blunt…oh, actually, I’m not sorry.  Jas. 4:4

3.  The will:  the wise father of Proverbs knows that he cannot hide his son from evil or give him enough rules to keep him out of trouble.  He knows this will not work, because the most difficult enemy his son will face is his own will.  The “fool” he describes what the New Testament refers to as the “flesh nature.”  It’s in his son’s self.  He knows that his son needs revelation, not rules.  He needs to LOVE RIGHTEOUSNESS and HATE EVIL.  He needs to have his will in subjection.  So the wise father uses his urgent teaching and discipline to bring his tender young son into subjection to his own voice, knowing that if his son learns to subject his will to his father’s and mother’s voice, when he is older, his will will be under his control.  Instead of his desires ruling him, he will rule over his desires.

My point is not the sexual sin; it is the battle fronts.  We must plant righteousness so deep, so deep, so deep in the hearts of our children, that the enemy, the world, and their own will cannot twist and pervert the path to wisdom that we have set their feet on.  Deuteronomy 6 describes such a vigilance of teaching, and Proverbs 4 tells us when to start:

³ When I was a boy in my father’s house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,

⁴ he taught me and said,
“Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live…”

Start now.  With your toddler.  He doesn’t know about the immoral woman, and he doesn’t need to.  But he does need to know that IF HE KEEPS YOUR COMMANDS, HE WILL LIVE. He (or she) needs to know that his will is subject to your voice.  That his desires are not in charge.  It truly is a matter of life or death.  Many Christians have revelation in their parenting of the battle with the enemy, but are compromised with the world, and unaware of the need to bring their children into obedience to save their souls…from themselves.

The end of the story is this:  If we win on battle front #3, #2 and #1 are done for.  They don’t stand a chance.  If we can bring our children’s will into subjection first to our voices then to the Lord’s voice, the world will hold no appeal, and the devil won’t hold a candle.  This, I believe, is what the wise father of Proverbs knew.

So I know that today was supposed to be the follow up to scary suspense of yesterday, but I find myself redirected for the moment.  Something else has to come before that message.  It is this key, important, highly profound secret to childrearing…captured in three words…

YOU DELIGHT ME.

You delight me!  This is the foundation for our relationship to our kids!  I know, I know, it sounds simple.  But let’s break it down a little.

Firstly, have you thought today (I’m just gonna speak mom to mom here) about how the Lord feels about the job you’re doing?  Have you considered His high praise for you today?  Consider these verses in your immediate context, Momma:

¹³ Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.  Jn 15:13

¹¹The greatest among you will be your servant. Mat 23:11

¹⁷ The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” Jn. 21:17

He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, And carry them in His bosom, And gently lead those who are with young.  Is. 40:11

I could go on and on, but those are the first verses that spring to mind.  In other words, I can’t think of a job on the planet that more acutely represents the heart condition in which our Lord delights in than mothering.  Fathering, too, but I’ve found fathering is a little more optional.  Fathers get to choose whether they will take up this most holy occupation of laying down one’s life to nourish little sheep, but mothers get a crash course whether or not they want to.  You gotta get up in the middle of the night and you gotta feed that baby and you gotta change those diapers, and no infant ever lived through their first six weeks without some woman, in some fashion, laying down her life.  FAST-TRACK TO HOLINESS, right there in the cradle.  IF, she will do two things:

1) BELIEVE that the Lord delights in her utterly unrecognized, utterly unseen service/death to self.

2) Turn and delight in the little one she’s been given, as the Lord delights in her.

The preschool years are the wet cement years.  I’ll talk more about this later, but these years are the OPPORTUNITY to pour the cement into God’s mold.  Later, you’ve got to break setting rock to mold into God’s design, if they weren’t properly set to begin with.  These years are SHORT AND GOLDEN!!!  They are the time to settle in your child’s heart, for all eternity, this truth:  YOU DELIGHT ME.

It’s simple, but it means everything.  Let’s get practical.

1.  Physical-C:  (this is what OJ and I called it when we were dating).  Parenting is a high contact sport.  The more touching, the better, especially in these tender early years.  When we accustom our hands to reach out for touches, tickles, hugs, and kisses at every available opportunity, we settle it in our kids’ heart.  We tell them they delight us.

2.  I have time for you: This is so important.  Frantic, schedule-crazy momma with her list and agenda does not know it, but she can so easily trade in the greater for the lesser.  These years are SHORT!!!  The Lord does not set up days that do not have time in them for what He’s given us to do!  What He has authorized, He will provide for.  If there’s not enough time for the little one’s hearts to be at peace, then Mom and Dad need to hit their knees and ask what needs to go.  If it’s not eternal, it probably needs to go!  Aren’t you glad that we have been set free from the world’s standards of what should fill our lives?  Because Jesus did this:

“…having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.”  Col. 2:14

What handwriting of requirements are you allowing to steal from your children as your priority, Momma?  Is it Martha Stewart’s?  Your in-law’s?  Is it academic?  Whatever it is, chuck it!  This is supposed to be FUN!!!!  Our kiddos LOVE to LOVE us, and they are desperate to be delighted in.  This is supposed to be super fun!  Get up and do a little dance…this may be the only time in your life you have an audience that is actually impressed!  Maybe it’s financial burdens, and you have to work.  Maybe you live in the dread of losing your identity or significance in becoming “just a housewife.”  Do I have a story for you!  That’ll have to wait for another day.  Suffice it to say:  Jesus has the answer, and He has time for YOU!

3) Use your mouth like the power tool that it is: These are some of my favorite phrases.  “You are the one that Momma loves.”  (Kiss, kiss, kiss).  “You are my favorite girl.”  (Hug, hug)  “I like you so much.”  (tickle)  “You make Momma SO HAPPY!!!”  (tackle!)  Your mouth will determine who this little one becomes.  Think about it!  What do you remember your parents saying to you frequently?  Have you noticed that your identity battles directly corellate with what was or was not said to you?

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.  Ps 18:21  Speak LIFE into your children daily!

Okay, I could go on forever, but, Momma, my heart is just bursting to tell you to RISE up!!!  The enemy tells you all day that you are exhausted, futile, failing, and wasting yourself.  But the truth is, you have never touched on a more powerful role than this one!!!  This is ETERNAL! You are the one to set the cement and aim the arrow!  And it all happens in the context of joy and delight…God delights in you and you delight in your little one.  I will talk more about discipline and the war with the enemy later, but how can we discipline if we don’t keep our little one’s love cups full?  And how can we war unless we are familiar with God’s weapons (faith, hope, and love)?

To sum it all up, here’s my Mommy mantra:

1. I like you.

2. I love you.

3. I’m not afraid of you.

4. I’m in charge.

Today, I talked about number one.  Tomorrow…why it’s such a battle!

Boy, there’s just not a lot of time in this daily thing to polish it up…hope you don’t mind the unfashionable form with lots of caps and italics! 

This blog has long been a mix of ministry, personal updates, and thoughts, so you all probably won’t be surprised by this, but OJ has challenged me (Suz) to write a 7 day blog series on parenting.  This is a little intimidating A) because I have children and B) because I am a parent.

A) With a 5, 3, and 1 year old, is it possible to write 7 days in a row???  I guess we shall find out.

B) You know the day you try to share “parenting wisdom” is gonna be the day your children poop their pants, throw public tantrums, and bite someone else’s child.  There is truly nothing as humbling as marriage and parenting, but since I’m in good company when I boast in my weakness (2 Cor 11:30), I guess I’ll give it a go…

Starting at the Beginning…

Like anything else that is a long-term project, parenting is a mess unless the goals or target is always within sights.  The arrow has a long way to go before it hits the bull’s eye, but it all starts with identifying the target.  So when you picked their eye color, determined their height, and chose their IQ, what did you have in mind?  Oh, right.  We didn’t do that.  Because they’re not really ours.  They’re His.  So what’s His goal?  Here’s what Mal. 2:15 says in regards to you and me, i.e. “Mom” and “Dad.”

¹⁵ Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his.^[a] And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. (emphasis mine)

Our kids are really His kids.  This is a word that is incredibly heavy, because it means (yes, it REALLY, REALLY does mean this) that we will stand before the Great White Throne and answer for whether or not we shot our little arrows at God’s target.  It is also incredibly freeing, because God always provides all the resources needed for what He’s ordained.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again.  He may not have ordained our job choices, career, our ministry choices, our geographic location, etc.  That all depends on how much our lives are submitted to Him.  HOWEVER, the raising of Godly kids is FOR SURE at all times ordained by God and under His provision, if we will take hold of it.  He is FOR our marriages (once married) and FOR our children.  He will provide everything needed for this task, because it is what He’s ordained and what He’s seeking:  Godly children.

Mal. 2:15 is a treasure trove in that it points us to the very, very first starting point for raising godly kids, which is the marriage.  But that is a whole different blog series, so I’ll move on the my original point.

Setting our Sights…

Godly children (or “offspring” in other translations) can be given this NT translation:  disciples.  God is seeking for us to make disciples of our children, whole-hearted followers of Jesus.  What incredible, beautiful vision!  What a lifetime achievement!  What hope and glory!  There is nothing optional about this!  This is why He knit these little people together…He is seeking to hold them close to Himself for all eternity!  How ludicrous to parent toward  polite behavior, academic or athletic achievement, or financial stability, when we have instead this glorious target, to make disciples who bear the image of the Beautiful One?  That’s what we got saved from, wasting our lives on that which is nothing in eternity.  All those other things are things that “…the heathen chase after…,” but “…will be added unto you…” when you seek first the kingdom of God and its righteousness.  Mat. 6:31-34.

So what’s at the heart of being a disciple?  It’s very simple; it is submission.  This is the target we are aiming for, to present to the Lord children who are submitted to Him (this is, after all, what it means to call Him “Lord” Rom. 10:9).  This is a goal even better than obedience.  Immature, insecure, fearful people can obey, but it is the volitional response of a mature person of dignity to submit.  To obey is to do what someone wants, to submit is to want what another wants.  It is a bending of one’s will and relinquishment of agenda out of honor and love; it is beautiful and powerful.  It is Jesus’ posture toward His Father as described in Phil. 2.  This is why the Bible tells children to obey, but wives to submit.  We are, after all, preparing our children to be the Bride of Christ.  We aim the arrow by bringing them into obedience (honestly, that’s hard enough, eh?), but the target we are eyeing is that they would mature into lovers of Jesus, sharing His desires and acting on them at all times.

So what does this mean?  And why is it so doggone difficult?  It means war.  Or didn’t you know that the devil is roaming about like a lion, seeking whom (which of your children) he may devour (1Pet. 5:8)?  If you didn’t know, I hope I just scared you real good.  Because if you have children and don’t know you’re in a war to the death over their souls, there is no time to waste.

Tomorrow:  understanding the battle.

Well, hopefully tomorrow!

Today is a big day for the McDowells. We have become FULLY CONVINCED that Jesus was talking to us when He said, “As the Father has sent Me, I also send you…” Jn. 20:21. After these years of training, we feel the weight of the love for the world that drove Jesus to bring deliverance to those who had NO HOPE. Paul sums it up: “For the love of Christ compels us…that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.” 2 Cor. 5:13-15. But to understand how we got here and what’s different about today, I have to tell you about…

Yesterday.

Three kids and six years ago, when we were married, we printed on our wedding program Isaiah 61, figuring that whatever Jesus was about, we wanted to be about, too. At the time, we were being rocked by His ministry in our own lives, as He set us free, healed our areas of broken-heartedness, and planted His good news in us. We boldly proclaimed to the congregation (to paraphrase): “This is what we’re about! Slap us upside the head if you ever find us doing otherwise!” We meant it. In between then and now, here’s what we’ve been up to:

• Prayer Ministry: This is a poor name for it, but “ministering the gospel of Jesus Christ specifically to an individual’s unique areas of need through prophetic revelation” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Our brains fry when we try to count, but we’ve been privileged to have personal prayer times with several hundreds of people over the last seven years. When the Lord speaks, hearts open, marriages get restored, bondage is destroyed, and the indescribable value of each of His children is made abundantly clear. On one ministry trip, we only had a few minutes to pray for a young Korean woman, but as the Lord showed pictures from her childhood, tears flowed like rivers from her eyes. This young woman had almost never experienced affection in her family, and there was a mighty impact when strangers described to her through a translator her secret pain. We were sent from so far to tell her God saw her, knew her, loved her…and would free her from self-hatred. I can’t forget the older European gentleman who choked when God spoke to his depression and the abusive discipline of his childhood home. He simply believed on Jesus’ power to set him free and was jumping at the end of the prayer time, “I’m free! I’m free!” Like the woman at the well, he ran to tell everybody.
• Evangelism: This has become our burning passion, what we think about day and night! From starting a gospel service for the homeless in downtown Tacoma, to telling kids at the park about Jesus’ love, to sharing with other young moms, to college ministry, to jr. high school ministry…you name it, we like it. I remember one homeless mom who stayed with us with her young son. She listened to what we said with a furrowed brow, taking cigarette breaks outside, and then simply decided to turn her whole life over to Jesus, immediately moving to join a discipleship community. I remember one little crowd of African-American girls who gathered round at the park to hear what God would “say” about them. They were so hungry for a sense of significance, they laughed and jumped up and down when strangers accurately described details about them, and told them that Jesus had great purpose for each of them.
• Discipleship: If evangelism brings new birth, discipleship is the privilege of nurturing the young life into maturity. The folks we’ve discipled over these past years have been lodged so deep into our hearts, we can’t get ‘em out. To have spiritual “kids” who once were practicing witchcraft, suicidal, mutilating themselves, and fornicating, but are now walking in truth, being restored to wholeness, raising godly children, and making more disciples is…well, there just are no words for that kind of joy. We are addicted to discipleship, and feel, looking back, that none of our resources have been better spent than the ones poured into this. We love teaching and training, but that just flows out of our hearts to disciple, to spur others on to fully follow Jesus.
• International Ministry: What is this? Well, just all of the above, done somewhere else. In the past 7 years, we’ve been to six countries, ministered to missionaries from many different nations with teaching, training, and prayer. But that’s just the beginning, because here’s what’s coming…

Tomorrow:

For years, the Lord has been speaking to us about a major move of God among the emerging generation. We see rumblings of this around the country and world, but believe there is something coming never before seen. That’s why we think of everything that’s gone before in our lives as training…we believe that God’s going to bring together all the pieces often fragmented in the church (evangelism, discipleship, restoration of the heart, and prayer) to bring unprecedented wholeness and equipping to a generation marked by unprecedented destruction. Did you know that while in our grandparents generation, 65% were church goers, hearing some form of the gospel, only 3% of eleven year olds today are regular church attenders? American youth are essentially an unreached people group. Witchcraft, perversion, and addiction are normal to this generation, and instead of being the greatest exporter of missions, we are now the greatest exporter of pornography, secular humanism, and materialism. Our nation is now outdoing the unevangelized nations of the world in exploits of wickedness. This sounds dire…because it is.

BUT God is not intimidated. In fact, He’s never been intimidated by sin or brokenness or statistics. On the contrary, we’ve been astonished to learn how tenderly His heart is yearning for all His little ones, His lost sheep, and how little concern He has what for what kind of mire they are in, because the blood of His Son Jesus will wash it all away! We see this generation in the story of the sinful woman in Luke 7, having an extravagant love for the Savior because they will have been forgiven much. But “how then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written:
“ How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace,
Who bring glad tidings of good things!” Rom. 10:14-15

Which brings us back to:

Today:

For these past seven years since leaving the army, OJ has operated our small business. His hard work ensured our financial needs were taken care of, so we could obey as God added babies, seminary, travel, and all the ministry described above to the schedule. Until now, just about every bit of ministry we’ve done has been on our time and our dime, which taught us this: there is no such thing as “ours!” It all belongs to Him! During these years split between the marketplace and ministry, we are so glad to have learned things we couldn’t have learned any other way: hard work, perseverance, total marriage teamwork, and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit to ensure all the kids’ needs are abundantly met. But today, it’s become clear that the need is too great, and we simply must devote all our time to ministry, particularly to the emerging generation.

We thought of all sorts of great solutions to allow us to go into full-time ministry and support ourselves, but God did not care for our good ideas. He has essentially shut every one of them down, and we finally realized this is why: “…how shall they preach unless they are sent?” He’s been gently informing us that we are not the only ones who are burdened for this generation and the gospel, that there are many on this team! It took us awhile to get this idea into our heads; sorry for being slow on the uptake!

We are asking you, if you share this desire, to SEND us to this next generation. OJ has already stopped working full-time out of obedience, and there are more requests for prayer and opportunities to teach than we can keep up with. We’re sending this because we know that God is causing some hearts to leap. If what we’re talking about makes your heart skip a beat, then we want to hear from you! This is the whole church’s calling, and we want to stir up everyone to be ready to care for the new converts God will bring in through the MANY preachers He is sending to the field. We love to share the vision, train, and minister for this purpose! In the immediate, we need a team of partners praying for us, encouraging us, and helping to finance this work. Please consider if the Lord would have you SEND us; we’re dying to go!

…since I’ve written a post.  I haven’t known how to put on paper what’s been going on in our hearts and home.  A couple months ago, OJ and I began a season of fasting and prayer in desperation…just desperation to get the message inside of us out.  Sometimes it seems lodged there, somewhere between the gut and the tongue, sometimes causing indigestion.  We’ve had lots of conversations, and some just FLY.  And others just seem so awkward, like we’re trying to talk around our feet as they are permanently lodged in our mouths.  Feel free to picture that for your own amusement.

Here’s what we’ve been talking about.  THE GOSPEL.  Is it, or is it not, the answer to every single one of your problems, my problems, and your neighbors problems?  OJ and I are contending that it is.  Contend with whom?  Well, here’s the catch.  Contention always comes with those who most agree with us.  Stick with me for a minute.  Recently I was beginning to introduce a woman to the Lord, and i told her in the middle of other sentences, “God loves you.”  Before I could go on, she murmured, “I know…”  as if that was already covered.  I looked at her with her sad face, tired eyes, and hopeless demeanor, and shot back immediately, “No, you don’t.”  There was nothing argumentative in it, whatsoever.  It was a simple statement of the most obvious fact at that moment.  If there’s anything that this precious lost one did not KNOW, it was that God LOVES her.  Because if God really LOVES her, then…well, a child could figure it out…her problems are solved.  Imagine a woman being pursued by suitors.  If an illiterate foreigner in a far away land loves her, that’s nice, but there are some obvious problems.  Or if a mentally unstable janitor with iffy residence history loves her, there may be some kinks to work out in her life plan.  Or if a  workaholic businessman with a summer bungalow and hallitosis loves her, there could still be significant worries.  You get the picture.  But if GOD loves her, what exactly does she have to worry about?  And so it was very easy to say, “No, you don’t know that God loves you.”

Everybody has problems and the world is full of destruction.  And so, as we know from the Christmas story, God had thousands of angels show up to fill the sky and make it ring out with the news…the NEWS…THE NEWS THAT GOD WAS, RIGHT THEN, BRINGING PEACE TO MEN.  The news that as much as humanity has proved itself the guiltiest possible race, having reveled in every crime imaginable in every corner of creation over and over and over again…just when it seemed creation could no longer put up with the unutterable wickedness that is our human history, God announces GOODWILL, the unthinkable.  Jesus, our peace.  Our PEACE.  Either He is or He isn’t.  I’m telling the lost that He is.  But most of us are still praying for peace, as if someday they will find it.  JOY TO THE WORLD!!!  Either that’s what came or it didn’t.  But why are we still hoping to someday find joy?  Where is the joy?  DId Jesus come, or are we still praying for that?  Life abundant, rivers of living water, everlasting life…these are the things that Jesus said we would have if we come to Him.  He also healed the diseases of all who came.  These are Jesus’ words, not mine!  Jesus didn’t make an invitation to come to Him, so we could join the club that prays for peace, and tries to have joy, and wishes they were more loving.  He spoke simply to simple people (these quotes are from Jn 3,4,5):

He who believes in the Son has everlasting life…

He who believes in Him is not condemned…

You must be born again (born of the Spirit).

…whoever believes in Him should not perish…

…Whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst.

…he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.

OJ and I began to confront the questions raised by Mark 16 and Jn 14:12-14, where the Lord talks about the works that will follow those who believe.  But here’s what really came up for us when we got honest, was that while the works Jesus mentions expose our unbelief because they are tangible evidence, the unbelief is really rooted much, much deeper than that.  When it comes to the basics of the GOSPEL, (take for instance the quotes above), we have so much unbelief.  The unbelief is so deep, so pervasive.  Because if we have been born again, given everlasting life, are not condemned, don’t miss how simple this is…we should not be perishing.  We should not be thirsty.  We should not be dying, because we’ve passed into life.  But most of the time, we find ourselves getting together seeking some water for our thirst, praying over all that’s perishing in our lives, and feeling condemned.  For goodness’ sake, the only people I’ve ever heard talk about feeling condemned are Christians!  These are the issues we can claim to believe without ever realizing that we don’t, at least not fully.  Unless someone confronts the distance between the EVERLASTING WORDS OF LIFE that we say we believe, but come drivelling out of our mouths powerlessly as religious platitudes.  Unless someone does like I did for my unsaved friend with the sad face who claimed to know that God loves her.  “No, you don’t.”

So for OJ and me, we’ve decided to jump in fully.  To say to ourselves, “What exactly is the problem?”  Is it not simply that in some way, we do not believe Jesus?  Because how sad?  How angry?  How to feel like a failure?  How to be hopeless?  How?  If even one of those statements Jesus said is even only mostly true, how do we live in sorrow, depression, and anxiety?  What exactly is the problem?

Jesus is so clear.  so simple.  “Why are you afraid?” He asks the men on boat as the storm throws water into the boat.  He is LORD.  He is LORD.  He is LORD.  What problem?  What disappointment?  What failure?  What sorrow?  What anxiety?  He is LORD.  There is only one problem:  it is unbelief.

Final note:  trying to believe is not the same as believing.  A simple way to know if we believe is to survey our life to find out how much of it depends on God being real.  Like if God’s not real, it will go bust.  The heroes of faith Jesus thought worth mentioning in the NT (thinking of Bartimaeus, the woman with the issue of blood, the lepers…note the common thread of desperation) held NOTHING together.  These were folks who were so unable to cope with the extent of their perishing that if Jesus was not real, they were done for.  One of the greatest obstacles to true faith is a lack of desperation.  When we can cope with the level to which we are experiencing perishing (be it marriages, our children, our finances, our health, our heart-brokenness) ourselves, then we can throw prayers of unbelief out all day long.  But when we can’t go on any further unless He breaks through, when we actually need Him to be real…this is where we find faith.  God bless you!

The kids and I have been sick for the last week or so, presumably with swine flu.  It really hasn’t been that bad, in our case.  Pretty mild, considering all the hysteria.  But it does last awhile, and we are definitely getting stir crazy without our usual routine of activities…

Anyway, I needed a lot of help, and the Lord is faithful, of course.  Here are the things the Holy Spirit’s been reminding me of today:

1.  I’ve totally been forgotting to play worship and dance with the kids!  After all, how can I accurately teach them about God and not have celebratory dancing involved???  (This is why being a mom is way better than being a pastor). Granted, there’s not a lot of energy around here for dancing, but it was worth spending the little bit we had…sets us all a-right.  This reminded me that…

2.  I am sick and tired, and that’s all right.  I can still have joy.  That’s just life on the planet Earth.

3.  There are times when there is no chance the house will come within a mile of what you’d call “clean,” but if it’s alright with Jesus, it needs to be alright with me.

4.  I need breakthrough.  If I am fed up with myself when I don’t get it the first try, I will definitely never get it.  Jesus is not fed up with me, so here I go again, a-hunting after holiness!

5.  Do not try to correct a three year-old for being loud and repeating everything he says 5-10 times.  It does not matter that it drives me crazy.  Get a different car and drive somewhere else.  He’s three.

6.  Speaking of loud, there are three of them and we haven’t been out of the house substantially for days.  It’s going to be loud.  If it’s not loud, they’re asleep.

7.  Speaking of sleep, they need more than I think when they’re sick.

8.  Speaking of thinking, Nutella’s a good idea for getting sick kids to eat.

9.  Speaking of Nutella…mmm.  Now, you may ask if that was really something the Lord reminded me of.  I don’t know.

10.  If Ihave unbelief about mycalling, I’ll live angry.  This has two sub-reminders:

a. If Iforget my calling, others will not remember it for me.

b. If I have unbelief over my calling (or obedience to the Lord’s instructions), I will probably primarily concern myself with people who do not believe in my calling.  I will become angry with them, as well as being angry in general.  Unbelief is always wrong (both sinful and inaccurate).

If something’s pressing against you (fear, unbelief, anger, hopelessness…), mighty warrior of God, press back!!!  You’ll win.  Judges 6:12-14

I have seen the look on many women’s faces, the pain and emptiness of wanting children but not being able to have any.  Tonight, I can’t sleep, wanting to yell to the Lovely Lady, the Bride of Christ:  This is true barrnenness, to have not made disciples.  Just the other day, I heard another new mom say to me, “I never could have understood what it meant, until I actually had her (the new baby)…”  The power of that transformation is forever and undeniable, and nothing could ever take that new mommy and daddy back to childlessness without utterly wracking their souls.  They probably would rather die than be childless again.

For more than 25 years of my Christian life, I was utterly disconnected from this command of the Savior, to go and make disciples.  The crazy thing is, I had no idea that I was.  Strangely. it never occurred to me to ask myself if I had ever made a disciple.  It wasn’t that I meant to miss the fundamental purpose for my being on the earth.  Once again, STRANGELY, it just didn’t occur to me.  Even looking back I can’t explain it.  I don’t know that I ever thought about it, but if I did, I guess I thought that somehow that was the function of the church, to disciple people.  You know, like evangelism equals inviting people to an evangelistic event, discipleship must equal inviting people to attend church.  No, make that a small group.

Just as no parent in their right mind would think a school could substitute for his and her love and discipline, hoping the message on Sunday applies directly to Johnny Appleseed’s life and that he will somehow achieve sanctification and maturity without any intentional development is just plain bonkers.

This is a painful story to share, but it displays just how disconnected I was.  In college, while overseas, I led a roommate to the Lord.  Well, I invited her to church with me, and there she (I thought) received the Lord.  I cannot remember now how clearly I ever articulated the entirety of the gospel, giving her a chance to believe and repent.  I don’t remember if I explained how to be born again to her clearly enough that she could articulate it to someone else.  I shared much with her, in bits and pieces.  I shared scriptures with her, as things came up.  I was extremely attentive to her, and I loved her with all my heart.  I took her to church.  I was a devoted friend, and I did the best I knew how.

Fundamentally, I also abdicated the commands of the Lord to a body who was never supposed to carry them.  The little branch of a branch of a church plant with 20 or so excited young believers that represented “where I went to church.”  I think she did begin to follow the Lord, but I never took responsibility for the newborn baby who’d been placed in my care.  I was reactive to her, like a friend to an orphan, but I did not take her in.  I did not consider the foundation that needed to be laid, oversee her development, pray her through to the other side, or even know that I should consider doing any of those things.  I thought that the church did that.  She was utterly unprepared to return to her spiritually dead home after our year overseas together and no longer follows the Lord at all, as far as I know.  I still cry out for mercy on her behalf, that God would send someone to do what I did not.

As I said above, discipleship is like parenting, in many ways.  One, there is a joy in it that will change you forever, and an empty barrenness in a life devoid of it, whether that is recognized or not.  Secondly, it is the filling up of your spiritual home, the lines of your eternal generations, your inheritance forever and ever that will go on to bear fruit long after your body is dead.  It is fundamentally what we are made for, and life without it is a dull form of misery.  There is no thrill like discipling someone hungry for truth, nothing like speaking the faithful words of scripture and seeing confusion turn to clarity, despair to hope, brokenness to wholeness.  When you disciple a woman whose never known a loving family, you may have changed the future of her children from agony to health.  And her children’s children, and so on, and so on.  When you rescue a young person from secular social justice and teach them the gospel, you may have just opened a gateway for thousands to come to salvation for all eternity, rather than getting fed for a few years.  Discipleship is true ministry.  Every other form is a shadow or facet of it.

Discipleship is what Jesus did.  It cannot be done by a church or by a small group.  It is person to person, requiring sacrificial love and faithful truth pouring out from the discipler and some humility and hunger from the disciple.  It is utterly simple in concept, and utterly impossible in practice except by the empowerment of the Spirit.  It has a bad reputation for having been done so often in the flesh.  It cannot be done by a teacher from the podium.  That is nice, but it is not discipleship.  It is a shadow, because it requires little love from the teacher, and little humility from the student.

Just like that new mom who “didn’t know” until she did it herself, I didn’t know who I was until I began discipling.  Ladies who’ve run with me know that the joy it fills me with literally makes it impossible for me to sit down while I share the Word.  They may not know that I find it impossible to pray for their wounds without weeping, impossible to speak hard truths without shaking, impossible to watch them fall without aching, impossible to stop loving them.  Discipleship is hard, for sure, like parenting.  I have been resented, resisted, and at times, totally rejected.  AND I do not regret one minute of it.  Probably most of the occasion was given by my own (blundering) mistakes made along the way.  Either way, I could not stop wanting any one of those ladies to win, no matter what.

I’m telling you the truth, you don’t know who you (in a good way!) are until you are discipling. It’s what we are made for.  I’m so addicted that I have to get up in the middle of the night and try to disciple the cyberworld through a blog.  Maybe I’ll be able to sleep now that I’ve had a heart to heart with the Beautiful Bride here on ojandsuz.com.  :)  So go make some disciples, teaching them everything He commanded us (Mat. 28:19).  I guarantee your prayer life will go through the roof, your maturity and sanctification will accelerate, your humility will skyrocket, and your joy will be full.

Finally–I’m SO THANKFUL to those who have discipled me!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Next time some erring evangelical caught in scandalous sin pulls the “David and Bathsheba” card, take a moment to clarify that David paid for his sin with the death of his child.  Though he was ultimately atoned for and forgiven, God’s judgement for David’s outrages still came down, and his son died.  David’s reaction:  to rise up, wash, and worship God.  David considered God merciful, knowing he deserved much worse.  He deserved to lose everything, and was thankful for his light sentence.

Also, David’s repentance followed his sin being revealed to him in private, not to the public.  That’s just called “getting caught.”  This is in contrast to folks who, upon getting exposed, compare themselves to David to explain why  they should not lose standing almost in the same breath as they express their regret.  This is not repentance.

There is no self-pity or self-preservation in true repentance.  Only worship at the mercy of God for not giving out the full measure of wrath that is deserved.  So when you hear someone grasping for their kingdom with one side of their mouth as their druel and self-pity drips from the other, please release King David from this posthumous association.

Hey, church.  Let’s acquaint ourselves with biblical repentance.  Our salvation depends on it.